Excavations

In Which I Create a Facebook Group

2012-02-10T23:30:00.000-05:00

In the past year, our family's circumstances have changed to where I no longer attend our church's weekly women's Bible study, and we no longer attend a weekly church home group. In support of my husband's ministry and in coping with my daughter's struggle with crowds, I haven't been to church in months.

When I asked God what to do about staying in community for vulnerability and accountability, He prompted me to start my own group, maybe including people who already do life with me but not necessarily with each other. You know: a safe place of accountability.

So I made a Facebook list. I included 14 Facebook friends on my list because they've been my "go-to" folks to pray for me and my family.

Imagine my surprise to receive requests to join this "private Facebook group." I thought it was just a list. My list. For me.

Now we're a Facebook group.

When my friend Betty shared a request for her son, God's nudging went a little further. So we're a group. Maybe God wants it that way. I asked the folks on my list if we could pray for each other. I told them to let me know if they preferred to not be part of this Facebook group. One friend was honest enough to tell me no, she didn't want to be part of an e-group.

So I deleted most of my original list. After all, I didn't mean it to be a group. I just thought it would be an easy way to send out prayer requests on Facebook. You know, if something should happen like it has before. I kept four other friends on the list, four friends who know me well and (I think) know each other. Let's see what God does with this little list.

I mean group.

By the way, if you inadvertently create a Facebook group, you can't delete the group. You can, however, delete each individual group member, including yourself, and Facebook will take care of the rest. Facebook automatically deletes groups with no members.

Good to know.

How We Backed Into Unschooling

2012-02-03T15:25:00.001-05:00

Have I told you that wehomeschool? Actually, a more accurate description of how we learn is“unschool.” I looked on Google for a neat and succinct definition ofunschooling, but I couldn’t find one. Maybe that’s because unschooling isn’tneat and succinct. It’s messy, just the way it’s supposed to be.

According to Wikipedia, the term “unschooling” was firstused in the 1970s by an educator named John Holt. One of Holt’s statements summarizes our family’s educational philosophy:

Since we can’t know what knowledge will be mostneeded in the future, it is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead,we should try to turn out people who love learning so much and learn so wellthat they will be able to learn whatever needs to be learned.

Instead of a huge checklist of abody of knowledge Cami should know, her dad and I concern ourselves more withteaching her how to find out what she wants and needs to know. This educationalparadigm is a far cry from the way Michael and I were schooled. How did we endup unschooling? It’s really a God thing.

Have you ever driven up the sideof a steep mountain? On the way up, the road seems to constantly curve and windaway from the mountain at times, back in the direction you just came fromsometimes, and all the while, you can’t see the next curve. Yet when you reachthe summit and look back on where you’ve been, you see how the road-makers laidout the road with switchbacks to make the ascent or descent more manageable.

Our journey into unschooling hasbeen like those mountainous roads: switchback after switchback. We startedCami’s educational journey with one paradigm: her learning the way we had beentaught. We took the Mommy & Me classes. Cami attended a year of preschool.We enrolled her in public school kindergarten because that’s what we weresupposed to do with our child. As we did all the “right” things, our familylife was slowly descending into emotional chaos: daily meltdowns and a lot ofyelling.

The first drastic u-turn andrealigning of our educational paradigm really began in Cami’s kindergartenyear. Every school day, I left Cami at the Kiss and Ride spot on the school’ssidewalk and drove away crying. Every. Day. I felt like I was abandoning her,throwing her to the wolves, leaving her to fend for herself. I told myself thosefeelings were silly. I fussed at myself for crying. My support system affirmedme in my attempt to grow up and let her go.

The school year began inSeptember, and we made it until February. The morning I was getting Cami readyfor school and she wrapped herself around my ankles, crying, “Mommy, please!Can I stay home with you? Mommy, I just want to stay with you!” was the morningmy heart broke. I cried out to God for wisdom, and I let her stay home.

The next week, when I pickedCami up from school, we walked to the van with a little boy and his motherwalking behind us. The little boy said over and over, “Cami, you’re a bad girl.Cami, you’re a bad, bad girl.” Not in a sing-song voice, not in a mean voice.Just a matter-of-fact voice. “Cami, you’re a bad girl.” Cami didn’t sayanything to him. I wasn’t sure she even heard him.

I buckled Cami into herseatbelt, and in the time it took me to walk around the van and get in thedriver’s seat, she was crying hysterically. In the course of the rest of thatafternoon, she spilled the secret she’d been keeping bottled up inside her: thelittle boy who called Cami a bad girl had also hit her, pushed her, andcontinually threatened to take his knife and cut up all her stuffed animals, sether house on fire, and kill all of her family.

In addition to the bullyingsituation, Cami was having trouble meeting kindergarten benchmarks for readingand writing. Her teacher requested a parent-teacher conference where shesuggested we have Cami tested for the autism spectrum based on her visual observationof how Cami flapped her hands when she was nervous or excited. Cami had donethat since she was little bitty; when I asked her about it, she said she wasbeing a hummingbird. I’d never thought it pointed to autism.

I know now that Cami’s sensoryintegration struggles, specifically the auditory processing disorder and thedyspraxia, adversely affected Cami’s ability to cope at school. The teachers’instructions were getting lost before Cami could process them, especially inthe gym and on the P.E. field. She wouldn’t follow directions because shedidn’t understand them. But she didn’t know how to say so, especially in frontof her 24 classmates who were all looking at her, listening to her, andstanding or sitting close to her. Factor in the fear Cami felt from beingthreatened and bullied, and no wonder my child screamed and cried a lot. At thetime, all I knew was that Cami was in trouble. I watched her behavior godownhill at school and at home, and I watched her lose her love for learning. Ididn’t want that, but I didn’t know how to fix it. When I told Cami’s teacher Ihad considered homeschooling Cami, her teacher surprised me by saying, “I thinkthat’s the best thing you can do for her at this point.” So I withdrew her frompublic school.

As my husband and I prayed,begging God for His wisdom and perspective, He led us gently and surely to theplace we are today. Through a battery of educational, psychological, emotional,and behavioral evaluations, we discovered Cami’s sensory processingdifferences, her dyslexia, dysgraphia, and dyspraxia. In the effort torecapture Cami’s love of learning, we invented “Sneaky School,” where we “sneak”the education into the fun activities of the day. For example, on a trip to theNational Aquarium, we made a list of the alphabet and found animals whose namesbegan with each letter. We took pictures of each animal so we could rememberthe information later. After a few years of Sneaky School, Cami began pointingout when we had learned something school-like in our everyday living: “Hey,Mom! We just did Sneaky School!”

You know what I’ve found? Camilearns more efficiently when she teaches herself. The day I found her reading atextbook just for fun was the day I took all the textbooks off the closet shelfand placed them on the bookshelf in her room. On the days when it’s sunny andwarm and her friends are home from school, she goes outside and plays, buildingfairy hut villages and reading fairy tales to her friends. One of her publicschool friends taught her the “Mr. President” game, where each child takes aturn being “president” of the class and making presidential-like decisions. Inour neighborhood, the children elected our dog Roscoe as the President. I knewsomething new was happening when Cami asked me, “Mom, where’s my book about thegovernment?” Using the resources on her bookshelf, Cami researched the way theU.S. government is structured and proceeded to organize Roscoe’s “Cabinet” ofofficers from all the pets she knows. (The cat next door is Roscoe’s Secretaryof Defense.) Cami pursued this knowledge on her own. I didn’t suggest any ofit. That’s basically how unschooling works: the child directs her owneducation. Our job is to provide her with the resources she needs to learn whatshe wants to know.

Through unschooling, God is answering thepromise He gave me when Cami began public school: “All your children will betaught by the Lord, and great will be your children’s peace” (Isaiah 54:13). Godtruly orchestrates how schooling works in our family. Really, the journey’s joyor stress comes from our perspective. Most days, the view through thewindshield looks like this:

It’s hard to trust what’s on the other side ofthe hill when we can’t even see the horizon past it. But God is such a patientand faithful leader, and we trust Him.

The times when I glimpse thebigger picture help me trust Him more with the switchbacks:

I am constantly amazed at God,how He gently leads us, how we begin in one direction and, step by step, Heturns us and steers us until we are going in His direction, sometimes almostbefore we realize it. If you had told me twenty years ago, “Cassandra, intwenty more years, you will be a stay-at-home mom and be homeschooling yourdaughter with learning differences and sensory challenges, and you will loveyour life,” I wouldn’t have believed you.

But I do. I love my life.

What A Difference A Day Makes

2012-01-15T13:59:00.010-05:00

In her preschool years, my attention-challenged daughter had trouble marking time, memorizing the names of the days of the week, and keeping track of what order the days were in. The first day’s name she learned was “Saturday.” (That’s the day her Daddy was at home when she woke up.) We called Sunday “Church Day” in an effort to help her keep track of where we were in the week.

It stuck.

When we moved to Virginia, my Dad and I started asking each other this question:

“How was your Church Day?”

I still call him every Sunday afternoon or evening (sometimes I wait until Monday) to get a report. He tells me about Sunday school and church, if his quartet sang (and what song), if Mom went with him or not, and if he stayed home. You know—how his Church Day was.

This particular week, my Church Day really started late Saturday night. I was trying to catch up with my homework for our women’s Bible study. My class, “A Woman of Purpose,” used a Dee Brestin Bible study on the Gospel of Luke. I’d made it to the last page of the book’s Introduction, where Dee explains the lens through which she approaches the study:

“Did you know that Luke is the Gospel that is most empathetic to women?”

I underlined phrases like from Mary's perspective, God astonished her, and amazed her with miracles. I read of the women being first at the tomb, running out to tell the men, and the men saying that the women's words seemed like nonsense!

Dee says, “Jesus valued women, reached out to women, used women for vital messages, and understood women’s deepest longings.” That particular sentence reminded me of something Betsy told me earlier in the week. When she attended John & Stacy Eldridge’s Ransoming Femininity weekend, Betsy said God touched her face and told her that He delighted in her, that He adored her. I thought, “Wow. How come that’s never happened to me? I could really use something like that.” Who couldn’t?

I was in one of those tough seasons—you know the ones, when the enemy’s lies about you—to you—are incessant. He’d been calling me a bad parent, an inadequate wife, and a pushy lay minister with a know-it-all attitude. He whispered, “It’s too hard to be your friend because you’re so demanding and raw, needy and messy.” He said...well, you get it.

The truth? I was still sitting in bondage to what I perceived other people might be thinking about me.

Both Betsy and Melisa spoke truth to me with great love. They pointed out the lies I was mired in, the wounds I was wallowing in, the nasty garments I preferred to the godly garments Jesus held out to me. And they were right. I had been stuck there. (But I thought I dealt with this already!!)

Untangling all the lies from the truth, finding a firm place to stand—it can be exhausting. My joy in worship-leading, in being Cami’s mommy, in being Michael’s wife, in being a Jesus-follower—pretty much gone. That Saturday night, I was mostly tired.

And my team was up to lead worship the next morning.

I wrote this prayer in the margin of Dee Brestin’s Introduction:

Jesus—please, meet me in this study. Touch my face—tell me I’m lovely to You. Please restore that wounded place in my heart that doesn’t believe I’m worthy. Of anything. Help me lay down the lies I'm wearing—wallowing in—[help me] slog through the enemy’s false puddles and run into Your truth of my significance and purpose.

Restore to me the joy of my salvation, and renew a right spirit in me.

On the next page, I circled “God is mindful of you (Luke 1:46-48).” I wrote,

Make this truth real to me, Elohim. Abba. Make it part of the very fabric of my being.

The next morning, I got ready for church thinking I had a lot more time than I did. The bathroom clock needed a new battery. By the time I headed for the car, I had five minutes before I would be late for worship rehearsal. It takes 12 minutes to drive to church. As I opened the door, the voice in my head was berating me with “You’re always late. How irresponsible! You’re wasting everyone's time when you show up late!” I was tempted to embrace those lies—I mean, I am almost always late everywhere I go. I opened the front door to go out, breathing the prayer, “I’m sorry that I’m late again, Lord. . . .”

I stepped outside the door and looked up to see the most brilliant rainbow stretched all the way across the sky. The sky behind it was dark, like unburned charcoal. I started exclaiming, “Oh, my!” over and over. God was extra-amazing with His sky painting that morning. Here I was, thinking I was late, and it was like God said, “No, HoneyBear, you’re right on time. Take a look at this!"

I stood there exclaiming my awe and wonder at my amazing God, verbally applauding Him with every word of praise I could think of, and my neighbor walked outside to get his paper.

Now, my neighbor didn’t seem like a happy man. He could be gruff and unfriendly, and I admit: I generally tried to avoid him. But he chose that very moment to step outside for his Sunday paper. I couldn’t help it---my gushing toward God just spilled over onto his sidewalk.

“Good morning! Did you see the rainbow?”

He turned around to look at the sky. He said, “Wow.”

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I said as I started down my porch steps.

When he looked back at me, his usual scowl was gone. His whole face was delighted! He said, “You know, in the over-twenty-years that I’ve lived here, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a rainbow on this block.”

I promise you, I could hear God chuckling. It was as if He was saying, “Late, huh?”

My neighbor looked back at me—the neighbor who usually didn’t make eye-contact (maybe because I tried to avoid it???)—and said, “Thank you for pointing that out to me.”

I said, “You’re welcome! Have a great Church Day!” (Yes—you could really hear exclamation points in my voice!)

I got in the car and headed to rehearsal. The CD was playing a Brian Doerksen song:
He is here. He is near us, in our hearts, in our minds, in our midst. I put the car in gear and backed out of the parking place. He is here. He is near us, calling us to trust in Him.

I turned onto the main road, and the other end of the rainbow—the one that was way south when I stood on my porch—filled up the sky above the road. I couldn’t see any clouds or sky—only rainbow. Brilliant rainbow. God-always-keeps-His-promises-rainbow.

Cast your every care on the One who gave you life. The tears began to flow. Lay your burdens down at His feet. Open up your heart to the Living Word of God. He is love. . . .

By the time I arrived at church, I’d already been dancing with Elohim, Triune Creator God.

And Church Day had only begun. God was just getting started.

We observed communion as part of our service that Sunday. During the first service, I sat with Melisa when I wasn’t on stage. As the pastor asked the elders to move to their communion tables, Melisa leaned over and began whispering to me. I leaned closer to listen, so I wasn’t looking at her. Just listening.

“God wants me to tell you that. . . .” She took a deep breath.

“Everything He did on the cross was for you.” And I felt it.

I felt Him touch my cheek.

“Because He loves you.” As sobs caught in my throat, Melisa’s tears plopped on my arm.

“He delights in you.” Oh.

“He is pleased with you.” Oh, my.

I hadn’t told her about the prayer I’d written less than twelve hours earlier. I hadn’t told anyone.

Except Jesus.

Hey, Pop!

(As Bill Gaither wrote,) "He touched me. Oh, He touched me! And oh, the joy that floods my soul! Something happened, and now I know: He touched me and made me whole."

Yep. That was a pretty good Church Day.

How about you? How was your Church Day?

I’d love to hear about it.

Thanksgiving (A Conversation with Cami)

2011-11-24T14:24:00.003-05:00

As I tuck my 11-year-old Treasure into her loft bed, she looks down at me with those huge hazel eyes and says,

"Mom, I have so much to be thankful for this week."

The Holy Spirit whispers, "Pay attention now."

I say, "Tell me what you're thankful for."

Cami says, "Well, since growing up isn't bothering me right now because I've decided to not think about what might happen in the future and I'm only going to live in today," deep breath, "I don't really have any problems right now."

I smile and say, "It feels really good to not have any problems, doesn't it?"

Cami says, "The only problem I have is that sometimes other people--you know, kids--think I'm weird."

It grieves my heart when she says this. "How do you know they think you're weird?"

She calmly says, "The way they look at me sometimes." A pause; then, "But that's okay. Even I think I'm weird."

I have committed to speaking truth over my daughter to try to counteract all the lies. I open my mouth and let the Truth fly. "Sweetness, you aren't weird. You are unique, and God made you exactly the way you are for His purposes, which include showing His glory through you."

Cami says, "I know, Mom. They think I'm weird in a crazy way, but I think I'm weird in a good way."

It's quiet for a beat while I listen for the Holy Spirit's prompt of what to say next, how to encourage her, how to build her up.

I'm surprised at what I speak next. "You know what? People think I'm weird, too."

Cami says, "But in a good way," and smiles.

I say, "I like you. A whole lot."

Cami smiles her beautiful smile.

I'm grateful to be living life with this Treasure of a girl. How blessed I am.

Counting my many blessings.

Clothing Cami

2011-09-22T14:20:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago, my mom—Cami’s Grammy—called and asked me, “If I bought Cami some clothes and sent them to her, do you think she would wear them?”

The answer is complicated. Cami’s sensory issues and dyspraxia challenges create a fashion conundrum. So I made a list.

The Cami Clothing Guide

1. Only Cotton
No knits, wools, or linens.
Rayon and spandex only sometimes, but not for very long.

2. Only Pants
Crawling = one of Cami’s coping behaviors. It’s harder to crawl in a skirt/dress.

3. Only Drawstring Pants and T-shirts
Dyspraxia = no buttons, zippers, or ties.
Sensory challenges = no shirt collars and NEVER lace.

4. Only Slip-On or Velcro-Strapped Shoes
Dyspraxia = no tying shoelaces. (Cami knows how; it just takes her forever.)
Why Crocs are our best friend!

5. Only Sleeved Shirts
Cami says she “just doesn’t like them.” I think it’s because sleeveless apparel allows more skin to come in contact with the air, leaving more of her surface exposed to sensory experiences. Maybe it’s from her sense of modesty, which is a huge gift from God. (Thank You, Lord!) Either way, she refuses to wear anything sleeveless (even nightclothes).

No, Cami didn’t come with her clothing guide attached. I’ve arrived at this information through 11 years of trial and error, years of watching my girl’s cues, evaluating the moments preceding a meltdown, eliminating other possible causes for each incident, adding and subtracting variables, hypothesizing and testing hypotheses.

Sometimes I find myself wishing Cami was a baby again so that I wouldn’t have to work so hard to find clothes that fit her, are modest, and meet her sensory challenge needs. Yet in many ways, clothing Cami now is easier than when she was small because she has language now to tell me if clothes are hitting her sensory buttons. When she was a baby, all she could do was scream and all I could do was guess.

When I’m feeling particularly patient, I take her clothes shopping with me so she can feel the clothing’s textures. I have to admit, sometimes this doesn’t work. The most success I’ve had with this method is at the thrift store. I tend to shop at thrift stores and outlet stores to avoid spending money on clothes that Cami may or may not wear. Even when I’ve used the Cami Clothing Guide, sometimes a piece of apparel will hang in her closet never worn until she outgrows it. Who has money to risk like that? Most of the thrift stores we shop in are fundraisers for local charities. I feel good about supporting their work.

One of those thrift stores is set up so that the clothes are all over the store. I can let Cami wander the “interesting aisles” while I look through the clothing aisles, and she’s never more than one or two aisles away from me. I also limit our time there. The time limit often depends on how her mood is when we walked in the door.

Trying on clothes, however, exhausts both of us. That’s when a trip to a clothing outlet store is the best choice. With a promise of a special treat afterwards, Cami only has to hold it together just long enough for us to find two or three styles that she will tolerate. Next, we head to the fitting room a try on the styles. If we find workable styles, then she’s released from her misery and I buy one in every color.

This clothing shopping method works because Cami’s sense of personal style hasn’t kicked in yet. Hopefully, by the time she has style preferences, she’ll also know herself and the way she’s made so that she can make wise choices that work for her. That’s the goal, right? Equipping our hidden-disability children with the information and confidence they need to care for themselves.

I think we’re well on our way to that. Cami loved most of the clothes Grammy sent her. I’m grateful for the help. With both of us armed with the Cami Clothing Guide, when Grammy shops at the stores in Florida and I shop at stores in Virginia, we’re bound to find clothes Cami is willing to wear.

Thanking God for cotton clothing.

The Gift of Dyspraxia (a letter to my daughter)

2011-09-10T14:17:00.001-04:00

Dear Sweet One,

I hope this note from me finds you safe and happy and living your life fully. I could sit down and talk with you about this subject, but I know how much you like to read, and how the written word sticks in your brain longer. So let me write you a letter.

You realize by now that you’re different than the world thinks you should be. Other adults and children have called you names: clumsy, clueless, odd, weird. Your preschool teachers asked me what was wrong with you. Your kindergarten teachers said you had a behavior problem. Some of your Sunday school teachers through the years have ignored you, stood you in a corner, and spanked you. I know you feel like you don’t fit anywhere.

But you do fit. How do I know that? Psalm 139 tells me so. God formed you when you were growing in my tummy. He made you like you are, and it is good. He saw every day you would live before He ever created the world. He knows everything you will think and everything you will say before you even think or say it.

Part of the way God made you the world’s doctors and educational experts call “dyspraxia.” Dyspraxia is considered a “learning disability” in most circles, but I prefer to think of it as a learning difference. The way God wired your brain differs from the way He wired other people’s brains. This different wiring means that you process information, or learn, differently than others do.

The grown-up definition of dyspraxia, sometimes called “developmental coordination disorder,” goes like this:

Developmental dyspraxia is a disorder characterized by an impairment in the ability to plan and carry out sensory and motor tasks. Generally, individuals with the disorder appear “out of sync” with their environment. Symptoms vary and may include poor balance and coordination, clumsiness, vision problems, perception difficulties, emotional and behavioral problems, difficulty with reading, writing, and speaking, poor social skills, poor posture, and poor short-term memory. Although individuals with the disorder may be of average or above average intelligence, they may behave immaturely. (From the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke at http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/dyspraxia/dyspraxia.htm)

The list of symptoms that signal dyspraxia looks like this:

· Exhibits poor balance; may appear clumsy; may frequently stumble

· Shows difficulty with motor planning

· Demonstrates inability to coordinate both sides of the body

· Has poor hand-eye coordination

· Exhibits weakness in the ability to organize self and belongings

· Shows possible sensitivity to touch

· May be distressed by loud noises or constant noises like the ticking of a clock or someone tapping a pencil

· May break things or choose toys that do not require skilled manipulation

· Has difficulty with fine motor tasks such as coloring between the lines, putting puzzles together; cutting accurately or pasting neatly

· Irritated by scratchy, rough, tight or heavy clothing

(From the Learning Disabilities Association of America at http://www.ldanatl.org/aboutld/parents/ld_basics/dyspraxia.asp)

Sometimes, dyspraxia is included with the sensory integration disorders, or sensory processing disorders. (It gets confusing because the names change so often.) You have a little of all of them: auditory processing difficulty (the way your brain decodes the signals it takes in through what you hear), visual processing difficulty (the way your brain interprets the signals that come in through what you see), and vestibular processing difficulty (the way your body determines balance and movement based on the space around you).

So what does all this actually mean for you?

It’s hard for you to catch a ball. Although you love them, monkey bars are frustrating for you. You get physically tired easily because your brain works so hard to give you coordinated movements. It takes extra brainpower for you to judge how far away things are, or how close they are, or how high up off the ground you are. These abilities are called “spatial awareness” and “depth perception.”

It’s hard for you to tie your shoes, or button a shirt, or zip a jacket. You can do all those things, but it takes a little bit longer and makes your brain tired. Many clothes feel uncomfortable to you. You prefer to stay in your pajamas because they’re made of just the right materials with no buttons, ties, or snaps.

You don’t enjoy jigsaw puzzles. You can do them, but like the shoelaces, they take too long and tire out your brain for other activities. You have to work extra hard in crowds to understand instructions and follow them. If the crowd is noisy, you cover your ears and try to find the nearest way out. You don’t like people bumping up against you or tapping you from behind. (I don’t like that, either.) If the room has the long-tubed fluorescent lights, your head starts hurting, which makes you feel irritable.

You know how you can remember tidbits of information that you read in a book three years ago (long-term memory), but you don’t remember something I told you this morning (short-term memory)? That’s dyspraxia. It affects your short-term memory so that you can only remember immediate things. That’s why repetition is so important for you. When you practice how to do something over and over, the instructions move from your short-term memory, which isn’t so reliable, into your long-term memory, which is very reliable.

Dyspraxia is why when you sit down on the couch with me or Daddy, you tend to sit on us instead of beside us. Dyspraxia is why you would rather staple cloth together than sew it. Dyspraxia is why you don’t like to cut your nails, brush your hair, brush your teeth, or get a haircut.

From all this information, it seems like there’s a lot wrong with you, doesn’t it? Let me put a different spin on things.

First, let me assure you: you are not the only person with dyspraxia. Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter, and Hannah McDonnell, an actress in Dublin, Ireland, are just two of the many people who live with dyspraxia. I think you would like Hannah. She founded the See-Saw Theatre Company for actors with various kinds of disabilities. In an interview (http://www.independent.ie/health/hannah-youre-not-wrong-and-youre-not-broken-1673538.html) a few years ago, she said, “The thing you have to remember is that you’re not wrong and you’re not broken. You're just different in how you experience life.” I think we should make a poster out of that quote and hang it in our house.

Along with your dyspraxia and other learning challenges, God gave you character super-powers! You are persistent, determined, and creative. You are one of the bravest people I know. I’ve watched you consistently befriend the kids who are on the fringes of the crowd because you notice them when others ignore them. You are kind and compassionate, and your heart is so tender. These aren’t characteristics we taught you; God gave them to you.

It took you a long time to learn to ride your bike without training wheels, but you did it! You struggled for so long to read, and now you can read 200 pages in one afternoon! You gathered your courage and tried the highest slide at the water park and the highest diving board at the pool, and you love them! There are so many abilities you have and so many things you can do. You just do them differently than other people.

Instead of being a disability, for our family I see your dyspraxia as a gift. Dyspraxia makes us slow down, take our time, and pay attention more than if we lived life like other people do. As a family, we work hard to look for the “why” behind our actions and to find words to describe our feelings. We have to work together to find creative solutions for the difficulties dyspraxia brings us every day. If you didn’t have dyspraxia, I don’t think you and me and Daddy would be as close to each other as we are because we wouldn’t need each other so much.

In the 11 years that I’ve known you, God has used you to transform my world. I thought I knew what kids were supposed to look and act like. I thought I knew how to teach reading and writing and arithmetic. I was wrong.

Your Daddy and I recognized a long time ago that parenting you the way we had been parented and teaching you the way we had been taught wouldn’t work for you. Raising you the way other people thought we should was squishing you as a person. God made you; He knows the plans He has for you—good plans for your well-being (Jeremiah 29:11)—so it only makes sense to run to Him and ask Him what to do and how to help you. Only God and His Word—His working in our hearts and lives, arranging our days, leading us to health and wholeness in unexpected ways and by unexpected paths—gives life to us.

I’m glad we need each other like we do. I’m glad God included dyspraxia when He created you and sent you to us. He’s giving us everything we need to live our lives fully and meaningfully, even if our lives don’t look like any other family’s that we know. We’ll keep asking Him which way to go next—“What now?”—and He’ll keep showing us. What an adventure!

I love you, and I am so privileged to be your mommy.

Daddy Words

2011-07-23T14:27:00.047-04:00

Cami's First Dance, December 2001

Since she asked Jesus to come live in her heart and take her to heaven when she dies, her dad and I have tried to teach Cami how to walk with Jesus here on earth. Most of that training consists of living honestly in front of her. As I struggle and run to God’s Word and eventually walk more confidently in Him, she sees all of it.

We talk often about how the devil tries to trick our hearts. (Thank you for those words, Betsy.) He tries to tell us that we’re bad and stupid and ugly, and we can’t do anything right. But God’s word says those assessments of our character are lies. Psalm 139 says that God made us in a wonderful way. He doesn’t make stupid things, or worthless things, or unredeemable things. He formed us in our mother’s womb, crafting the bodies we have just the way He wanted to. He delights to watch us walk through our day. There’s nowhere that we can go where God isn’t. He has ordained—planned out, purposed, already made provision for—every day of our lives. He’s written every one of them down in His Book before we were ever born.

Cami's Dad helps her diaper her dolly in 2001

Our family needs this verbage–the devil “tricking our hearts”—in our daily coping with hidden disabilities. It is hard to live in this world when we think and feel and process so differently. We are in a constant battle for our hearts, souls, and minds. Yes, Jesus is the Victor, and we are His servants. We belong to Him. Yet the enemy of our souls is relentless.

Just last night Cami was so agitated at bedtime, and the self-talk coming out of her mouth was more negative than usual. One long sentence ended with “You probably think I’m crazy, too!”

Wow. New curve. Pay attention and go after this one, Cassandra. “Cami, what made you say that? I don’t think you’re crazy.”

Cami and her daddy try out the Blackhawk in 2010

“It’s okay, Mom. Sometimes even I think I’m crazy.” She climbed up into my bed and put her face down in the pillow.

I can’t count how many times in my 45 years I’ve wondered if I’m crazy, too. (More about that in another post.)

I climbed into my bed with Cami. “Love, who told you you were crazy?”

Muffled by the pillow: “No one.” She sat up. “No one’s actually said it, but they all think it.” She harrumphed and put her arms over her head.

Calm Mommy voice: “How do you know they think that?”

Cami sat up in a huff. “I can tell by the way they look at me!” She threw her hands up in exasperation. “Whenever I talk about seeing dragons or catching Pokemon, they look at me like I’m crazy! Even I think I’m crazy sometimes.” Face down in the pillow again.

Oh, Lord, give me words. Please. We talked some more, determining who “they” is. I must confess to wondering if my daughter’s hidden disabilities go beyond the scope of learning disabilities. She sees things that aren’t there. She hears voices that no one else hears. My husband thinks our daughter’s eccentricity is delightful. Sometimes it terrifies me.

Last night, Cami didn’t find comfort in my words. Cami’s daddy spoke words of love, encouragement, and blessing over her, words that we both needed to hear. He reminded us how wonderfully God has made Cami. He recalled the story of creation, of Adam and Eve in the Garden, and how when God made them, He saw that it was very good (Genesis 1:31).

Cami's daddy shows her how to keep her balance in 2011

Cami’s daddy gave her words for how she is different. “The thing that makes you unique is wonder. Most other kids your age have forgotten how to imagine, how to walk in wonder. That’s why they look at you funny when you take time in wonder.”

Her daddy also told her that the next time someone thought she was weird, to tell them, “You should meet my dad. He was in a play once and went on stage dancing while wearing a diaper.” (He really did. I was there.)

Cami told me that today at the pool, another child looked at her weird because she took Littlest Pet Shop animals with her. “Mom, I told them that story about Daddy wearing a diaper on stage, and I giggled so much it didn’t matter what they thought.”

I confess that I’ve felt pit-trapped this summer. I’m letting the devil trick my heart. Jesus has set me free, so I am free indeed. Yet the accusations and self-assessments I hear in my head have me trapped in a pit of grief and despair. I’ve shared this tendency of mine with a few close friends, who seem to always call or email when I’m in the pit of self-condemnation. Their love and prayers don’t get me out of that pit. They remind me of the Truth of God’s Word, and it pulls me out of the pit, where I can feel the breeze on my face and the sun through the trees.

Cami and her daddy in 2002

I am constantly amazed at how Jesus answers for us when the enemy accuses us. God’s Word is filled with truth about who we are in Christ.

How blessed I am!

Clinging to the Truth of my Daddy’s Word.

Easter Changed My Day!

2011-04-02T16:33:00.005-04:00

Totally Cami

2011-03-27T13:49:00.007-04:00

Cami likes riding in the back of Stinky (our 1994 Altima), going 50 miles per hour with the window rolled down.

Our other vehicle is a minivan, with windows that don't roll down; they only prop open a few inches. You get the breeze maybe, but not the experience.

I admire my girl. She's my hero, my "I want to be like her" person. She lives life at full throttle, no boundaries, no filters, no fear. She is a kinesthetic learner, which means she learns best by experiencing: touching it, squishing it, tasting it, crawling in it. We've had many conversations lately about how maple keys (seeds) are to be planted not tasted, and how wild bamboo leaves taste better to pandas than to Camis. All of her clothes have grass and mud stains on the knees. There's a dishwasher-safe placemat at her seat at the table. Our house is most always strewed with trails of Cami creations, Magnetix that fell off her newest invention, and candy wrappers she's saving for another collage. There isn't one spot in my house that doesn't have a stack of books in it, books about dragons and Pokemon, cookbooks and almanacs.

Sometimes the clutter feels overwhelming.

Then I remember to notice how much life we're living in this house. There is room for all of us.

Yes, most of my parenting job involves teaching my daughter boundaries and developing her filters, trying to impart wisdom and appropriate caution to her. It is exhausting. Yet there's this unexpected blessing that I'm discovering: As I get to know Cami and try to help her embrace and celebrate who God has made her to be, I'm discovering myself and reclaiming my God-created self that was all but abandoned in the name of "growing up."

I don't know what it's going to look like when she "grows up." I just know that right now, most of the time, we ride in the car with the windows rolled down.

A New Point of View

2011-03-19T13:27:00.004-04:00

Deciding to blog for Chosen Families has been a bit like purchasing a new set of eyeglasses. Within five minutes of leaving the optometrist’s office, I am motion-sick. It’s like when we traded our analog television for high definition: everything I see is crisper, clearer, and seems to move faster. It makes me nauseous at first.

Did you know that although our eyes see individual images, they work as a team? Each eye takes in an image and transmits that image to the brain. Each image differs slightly from the other because each image is viewed from a slightly different angle. The brain then translates these images into meaning, interpreting the separate signals from each eye as two views of the same object. Each side of the brain receives messages from both eyes, and the brain learns to judge how far away an object is by the differences in the images it receives from the two eyes. That’s called depth perception.

When Cami was younger, she had a condition called strabismus. This medical term simply means she had 20/20 vision in each eye—but her eyes didn’t work together. They moved independently of each other, sending confusing signals to her brain. She didn’t have any depth perception. The eye surgeon actually detached the muscles that control her eye movement on both eyes, and reattached those muscles so that her eyeballs will only point straight ahead. Now she can't cross her eyes even if she wants to.

Before her eye surgery, I watched my child walk into trees, step off into midair from playground structure steps, and struggle to catch a ball thrown to her. After her eye surgery, it took about a year before her brain adjusted to the new way her eyes worked. She can now tell where the ground is. She can catch a ball. She can climb a ladder without freaking out. As long as she wears her glasses, each of her eyes and her brain all work together to give her depth perception.

God’s giving my heart new eyeglasses. In church this past week, He so very gently brought me face-to-face with myself and my deeply rooted fear/prejudice/discomfort towards “special needs” children. My pastor preached about the crucibles God allows in our lives, and how, if given a choice, none of us would ever choose to walk a difficult, uncomfortable path in life. Yet when we look back, we can see God’s good that comes out of the hard things we live through.

Before Cami was born, I prayed, “Lord, please let her be healthy and perfect. Please don’t give me a special-needs child. I won’t be a good mom for her because I can’t handle being around kids with special needs.” I can look back through my journals and trace my angst over Cami’s hidden disabilities. My husband and I grew so frustrated with not being able to help her fit in anywhere, even as a toddler and preschooler.

God cupped my face in His Hands when my pastor began to share what it is like to be the father of a child with special needs. He told story after story of his son’s struggles, of smashed lunch pails and neighborhood children throwing rocks, of trying to find a niche of study in college, of wondering who will care for his son when he and his wife aren’t around anymore. I was riveted to my chair, holding my breath because I just knew God had a word for me. Just two days before, I scribbled in my Beth Moore Breaking Free workbook, “Oh, Lord, give me Your Word about Cami’s hidden disabilities and my role in helping her cope/thrive….”

The pastor referenced John 9:2-3 as a passage that illustrates the wonder of God’s sovereignty:

[Jesus’] disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” (NIV)

The pastor shared his interpretation of the passage and moved on. It took me a minute, but then I got it. I heard the part that was for me.

Cami is not the kind of child I wanted or expected. Instead, she is exactly the kind of child I need. For ten years now, I’ve asked God silently, “Why did you make Cami this way? Why did You make her so she would struggle so much in life? Why did You make her defective, so conspicuous, so different? How do we make her better?”

Now I see: it isn’t about what’s wrong with my daughter. It’s about what’s right with her, how God has gifted her. She isn’t defective; she is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). God created Cami in order to display His works through her. Her hidden disabilities are a vehicle through which God shows Himself mighty and strong, tender and gentle, practical and glorious (John 9:3).

I am privileged and blessed to be her mommy.

As I wear my new eyeglasses, the nausea subsides. My brain catches up with the clarity my eyes are transmitting. I don't high-step, or miss any curbs, or fall down any stairs.

I actually see a lot better now.

God's Promise and Gifts

2011-01-10T23:54:00.063-05:00

What a day today has been. My girl is sick. Really sick. We negotiated a doctor visit (more on that in another post--later). We procured antibiotics for her sinus/ear infection(s). And MucinexDM.

I'm blessed with an incredible ministry team at Breakaway. They find more patience for me when I get behind in making the PowerPoint presentation. They quickly step in and lead when I can't. They pray all the time. Really.

As I finished attaching the video for tomorrow to my email, I clicked on one more You Tube from the same drama troupe. I received a word from God.

I'm not sure exactly what particular promise God was talking about, but I'll let you know when I look up and see it.

It's Monday. Here is my list in the running tally of God's graces to me. (Thank you, Ann.) I'm counting to 1,000. . .and beyond! So glad to be part of this Gratitude Community.

#11. antibiotics

#12. praying friends

#13. merciful ministry partners

#14. parents who call because I haven't called them in "a few days"

#15. wi-fi in my house so I can finish computer tasks in my bed while my husband sleeps beside me

#16. NASA who posts photos of galaxies and nebulae and quasars (that's another post, too)

#17. vegetable soup just like Granny Williams used to make every Sunday night

#18. library books that can be renewed online or by phone

#19. Donita Strong, Creative Arts Ministry Assistant at Burke Community Church (she ROCKS!)

#20. clean drinking water

Thank You, Daddy God, for Your thousands, trillions, immeasurable gifts to me....

Imaginary Audiences and Hidden Disabilities

2011-01-07T15:31:00.021-05:00

Wow. What a week.

On my Unschoolers Yahoo Group, we've been talking about how school looks in our homes and the voices we hear (sometimes real, sometimes imagined), those expectations we have on our teaching styles. I consider myself a regular lurker in that group, but this time I chimed in.

My imaginary audience consists of "how it was when I went to school." I'm realizing that I was one of those kids who would have flourished had I been homeschooled. As it was, I was a "good student" because I learned to perform.

Now, I watch my 10-y(ear)-o(ld) D(ear) D(aughter) walk in so much freedom. I still feel guilty sometimes, still hear that voice in my head that whispers, "Aren't you doing her a disservice by not making her do traditional schoolwork? What if you're ruining her for life?"

Because of her learning differences and "hidden" disability (dyspraxia), traditional anything sets her up for an emotional downward spiral. When that happens, we all go with her. So in my search for ways to cope, we landed on " sneaky school." No worksheets, no textbooks (unless they don't look like textbooks!), no tests, etc. We homeschool under the religious exemption law so I've stopped worrying about standardized testing. I found so much freedom to follow my girl where she wants to go.

After almost 5 years of "sneaky school," she loves to learn. Even with dyslexia, she's learned to read. Even with dysgraphia, she's learned to write. She has a phenomenal sense of logic and story, and her graphic art is amazing, so far beyond her years. She and her daddy trade Pokemon cards, and they actually play the card game. She does math in her head, has taught herself fractions, and I am amazed daily at the way her brain works.

The people who matter in our lives know not to call our house before 10 a.m. because our family often doesn't go to bed before midnight, our girl included. We're not a perfect family, and I spend many days feeling like an abnormal family, but I have to declare: we are a much more peaceful family than when I was trying to teach her the way I was taught in school. She doesn't learn that way.

I never purposed to "unschool." I just kept trying to figure out her learning style, adjust my teaching style, and prayed a lot. Where we are now and how we do life is working, even though it looks totally different than other families we know.

Five years = not bad for a turn-around time.

This week also brought to my attention a new website that I think God must have raised up just for my family. Beth Moore wrote about this ministry here. I left what might be the longest comment I've ever left on the Living Proof Blog. (Yes, I am a Siesta.)

Candi Dickerson says:

January 5, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Thank you so much, Beth, for sharing this ministry with us. Words can’t express how much HOPE this information gives me. It’s so tough for my husband and I to serve in our gifting areas at church when we don’t trust our children’s program to accommodate our child’s “hidden” differences. God is so gracious to give us trusted adults in our immediate circle who love and understand our child. These adults often are the adults who have first-hand experience loving someone with “quirks.” In this season of our life, as our child reaches pre-puberty with all of its extra-intense emotions, our Abba Daddy has gone above and beyond (as He always does) and put in our church a trained developmental pediatrician, and a pastor and his wife who have an adult child with a hidden disability–a godly couple who are further down this road than my husband and me.

Now to have chosenfamilies.org as a resource is truly DELIGHT–and right in my backyard! (I live in northern VA.) I see so many ways God is drawing close to me in my brokenheartedness and giving me safe places to be crushed in spirit. The call to be an effective steward with my family’s story is wrapping around me like a garment of praise tailored just for me.

Your love, encouragement, authenticity, and integrity ministers to me daily through this blog, “Wednesdays with Beth” teachings, and your Bible study videos and workbooks. You do much to stir us on to love and good works. Thank you again for letting Jesus be all, and showing us how to live that way.
God gave me two promises for my child in 2006, when I took the “Breaking Free” class for the first time, before we had a name for her hidden disability:

from Isaiah 44:
“[Jehovah says] do not be afraid, My chosen one, do not fear.
For I will give you abundant water to quench your thirst and to moisten your parched fields.
And I will pour out My Spirit and My blessings on your children.
They will thrive like watered grass, like willows on a riverbank.
Some will proudly claim, ‘I belong to the Lord.’
Others will say, ‘I am a descendant of Jacob.’
Some will write the Lord’s name on their hands
and will take the honored name of Israel as their own.”

From Psalm 144:
“Then (after all of Psalm 144),
our sons in their youth will be like well-nurtured plants, and our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace.
Our barns will be filled with every kind of provision.
Our sheep will increase by thousands in our fields;
our oxen will draw heavy loads.
There will be NO breaching of walls,
NO going into captivity,
NO cry of distress in our streets.
Blessed are the people of whom this is true;
blessed are the people whose God is the LORD.”

Hallelujah!

I then went on to write the coordinator of chosenfamilies.org. I guess God is serious about the places He's taking me.

I just found out about your ministry through Living Proof's blog. I have to tell you, my spirit is a-clangin'! Thank you so much for being a resource for my family.

On the right side of the website, you provide links for help with various hidden differences, but I noticed some are missing.

Could you include SPDs (sensory processing disorders, specifically dyspraxia and auditory and visual processing disorders) and learning differences (dysgraphia, dyslexia, ADD (without the hyperactivity)?

These are my daughter's diagnoses.

My husband and I are involved in a local church, and we've had extreme difficulty finding a place where our girl can thrive there. Although we have a special education ministry, our daughter's specialness is hidden, so she feels out of place even in the "Rainbow Room." We''ve resorted to taking turns staying home with her if a Sunday seems overwhelming to her.

But most of the church body doesn't understand her, or us, or why we do life the way we do. We're just trying to survive, and I feel God's call on my heart to thrive.

Seeing dyspraxia as a gift? I'm not very good at that. Many, many days, I wake up wishing my daughter was "normal." As I look back through my blog for posts to send to you, God reminds me how wonderfully and marvelously He has made my girl. I'm asking Him to heal my heart of the same "shoulds" other folks at church put on my child.

I'm intrigued and excited about chosenfamilies.org because I want to help educate the church in ministering to families like mine. Maybe you can help me do that.

Maybe I can help you as well. I have a blog where I've written posts about this journey we're on. Some specific posts:

http://hislightbearer.blogspot.com/2009/10/its-beginning-to-look-lot-like.html

http://hislightbearer.blogspot.com/2009/08/its-still-august-and-im-still-in-awe.html

http://hislightbearer.blogspot.com/2009/08/homeschoolinggod-moment.html

http://hislightbearer.blogspot.com/2009/01/celebrate-with-me.html

http://hislightbearer.blogspot.com/2008/01/did-i-tell-you.html

Are you accepting new bloggers? How do I apply? God has been so gracious to me in providing safe places. Maybe it's time I'm a safe place for others.

Thank you again.

It's Friday. We have the flu at my house, and it's a cloudy day, gray and gloomy. That combination would usually justify my choice to stay in pajamas and watch TV.

But I feel energized, excited, eager to see God's next step. Unusual.

I could get used to unusual becoming usual.

I Need...

2011-01-07T02:39:00.001-05:00

...a clock in my office.

If I had a clock in my office, when I get lost in the folders filled with past writing, I would know when Wednesday is ending before I've written the day's blog post.

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Wearing a Habit

2011-01-05T22:44:00.000-05:00

How interesting God's timing is.

A post from Ann about wearing habits.

A word from Betsy about journaling:
Jesus misses me, and the interaction we have as I write out my heart and record what He says in His word.

A post from Beth about a ministry God-designed for my family.

A look back through my blog, finding more posts that I like in 2008--the year of grief--than in 2010.

Here I am. Writing about Walking with Him. On Wednesday.

Walking with Jesus for me means writing--honest, messy, do-I-dare-to-chronicle-it writing. I look back through the many scattered journals laying around my house, and I find messy handwriting recording glorious conversations between me and the God of the universe. You know what?

He speaks to me there.

Like on this long-ago-written journal page:

He speaks to me in His word as well. I've made a habit of reading my Bible with a pencil in my hand. I underline passages, yes, but I've also given myself permission to write in the scripture's margins. I started this practice last year, reading through the NLT's Chronological Bible.

This year, I thought I'd go hi-tech and read the Bible on my phone. I found a chronological reading plan in The Message translation. I can even bookmark verses and make notes to myself.

You know what was missing? All the comments and questions I wrote in the margins of last year's readings.

Like this note on Genesis 2:25 ("Now, although Adam and his wife were both naked, neither of them felt any shame."): True authenticity--Lord, can this state be restored between humans before heaven?

And this note on Acts 2:11 (On the Day of Pentecost, everyone heard in their own language the disciples "speaking about the wonderful things God has done!"): Candi, do you speak about the wonderful things God has done?

This is the year I will speak of those things God has done. This is the year I will crawl into my journal, unload my heart onto its pages, and listen for God's voice there.

This is the year I will wear the habit of writing.

Do We Want to Get Well?

2011-01-04T22:53:00.044-05:00

The crud has come to my house.

My dear husband is coughing like a seal, taking antibiotics, using an inhaler, and chasing it all with a capful of Walgreen's Nyquil-like product every six hours. Cherry flavored. It seems Proctor & Gamble has ceased manufacturing Nyquil D--the original formula with pseudoephedrine in it.

Last night, my dear daughter started coughing. Just a little. She spent today lying on the couch, coughing a bit more often. Her cough has changed from "ahem, ahem" to the seal-like bark-cough that reminds me of when she had croup.

Here's what I find fascinating: I mentioned to Michael that we might need to take her to the doctor if her cough gets worse. (His cough needs antibiotics and inhalers.) Apparently, our girl heard my comment, decided she doesn't want to go to the doctor, and spent the rest of the evening commenting on her coughs.

"Oh. Something just went down the wrong way in my throat."

"Wow. I really swallowed weird that time."

"It happened again--it went down the wrong pipe."

What "it" was was debatable.

Every time she coughed, she made a pacifying statement--to herself or to me, I'm not sure which.

I am sure that she doesn't want to go to the doctor. Even though a visit will be simple, most likely non-invasive, and will provide the medicine she needs to feel better.

Why do we do that? Why do we fear the very actions that will make us well? Why do we run as fast as we can in the opposite direction of health?

Maybe because we don't want it to be hard. We don't want it to hurt. We don't want our healing to be messy.

Her statement of hope at the end of the evening: "Maybe I won't wake up feeling so nasty tomorrow." Which is her first admission of how badly she felt today.

I'm so glad God's mercies are new every morning!

One Thousand Gifts

2011-01-03T23:53:00.002-05:00

This is the year: I'm joining Ann and counting my blessings.

The idea is keep a journal of all the things you have to thank God for. The endeavor reminds me of one of my favorite hymns:
When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; count them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

I've made this counting out loud a verbal practice in the past, especially when my attitude is less than desirable, or I'm slipping into pity-party mode. But I like the idea of having a set time in the week to list, on paper, the things I'm thanking Jesus for.

Purposefully.

Since I've never actually cataloged His gifts to me, I'll start at the beginning, with those everyday gifts He blesses me with, the ones I can take for granted if I'm not careful.

Here are my 1000 Gifts.

Thank You, Jesus, for:
1. my godly husband Michael who loves me so profusely
2. my Cami girl, God's answer to my mommy's heartcry
3. our Roscoe dog, who makes me laugh out loud every day and of whom I have more pictures on my phone than of anything--or anyone--else
4. a warm bed with freshly laundered sheets
5. pillows...many, many pillows
6. readily available hot water
7. sunshine that cheered my heart this day
8. music
9. a laptop that I don't have to share with anyone (although it's my pleasure to)
10. a Verizon Droid Incredible phone which I use much more than I ever used the used IPhone I had last year

But that's another blog post.

This Is the Year

2011-01-02T20:29:00.002-05:00

For the bulk of 2010, God continually asked me this question:

"Do you want to be healed?"

When Jesus saw him stretched out by the pool and knew how long he had been there, he said, "Do you want to get well?" John 5:6, The Message

I have to decide: is it enough for me to understand why my heart is broken, why I'm afraid and anxious, why I think and act with this bent frame of mind?

Or do I want to be healed?

I want to be healed.

My first verse for the Siesta Scripture Memory Team is a passage I've been impressed with for the bulk of 2010. It took on literal meaning for me on September 28 when I tripped over a hidden box at church and fell full weight on my left knee on the worship center's cement floor.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," (cf. Prov. 4:26) so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed. Hebrews 12:11-13, NIV

I start physical therapy this Thursday. I've been in spiritual therapy for quite awhile.

This is the year for healing.

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Purposeful

2011-01-01T23:33:00.001-05:00

A new year calls for new attempts at being on purpose...with my actions, my words, my time...

A new year calls for trying new technology. I'm posting this from my Incredible phone. Complete with auto text correction. This should be quite an adventure.

I've been thinking about my blog's title, and wondering if my posts meet the purpose "Excavations" declares. I'm realizing that in my inmost heart and mind, I am always excavating--everything--and sifting it for meaning.

It's extremely helpful when the Holy Spirit excavates, sifts, and sorts with me.

He has this habit of whispering in my soul when I least expect it.

The other morning, out of nowhere, I was thinking of an old boyfriend who, while I was seriously dating him and, of course, unbeknownst to me, was molesting little boys. He was found out, tried, and convicted when I'd been married ten years.

What made me think of all that the other morning, I don't know. When I connected that circumstance with the circumstances with my sister, I found meaning. You see, I have deep trust issues. And the other morning, the Holy Spirit whispered deep inside my soul:

I don't trust others--God, my husband, my friends--because I don't trust myself.

In some twisted way, I hold myself accountable for the big betrayals in my past. Like I should have seen it coming. Like my discernment let me down.

A new year calls for a new perspective. So here I go.

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For Breakaway

2010-10-19T02:48:00.022-04:00

I'm at home recuperating from surgery. Again. Lots of posts to write there, but for now, just this:

He never lets go of me. He has placed His signature in my very DNA. Listen to Louie Giglio explain it:

Laminin from Candi Dickerson on Vimeo.

Makes me want to sing this song:

I'm a Change in the Making

2010-08-12T02:01:00.000-04:00

I'm walking here. Are you?

Be encouraged. He's transforming us. He won't quit until He's finished.

Thank You, Jesus!

2010-07-12T01:03:00.001-04:00

Trying this write a blog on my phone, then text it to my site. Weird.

I Just Know God Is Chuckling

2010-07-10T21:00:00.000-04:00

1. Dude photographs birds sitting on electric wires.

2. Different dude sees the wires as a staff of music, and the birds' placement as notes on that staff.

3. Yet another dude directs an orchestra to play the musical piece the "birds" have composed.

4. God chuckles.

And then there's this bird. . .

I think God just spends so much time creating and delighting in His creation, and delighting in His creation delighting in His creation.

It's So Hot. . .

2010-06-24T14:20:00.000-04:00

Man, it's hot here!

How hot is it?

It's so hot, even the squirrels are melting!

Music I Was Raised On

2010-05-29T04:14:00.001-04:00

Thanks, Pop, for feeding me such a rich selection of music that fed both my heart and my gift. (Still does!)

And nobody does it like these guys: talk about Classics! The new Imperials (which are really some of the old Imperials. . .)

Bedtime Words

2010-03-30T13:35:00.000-04:00

At bedtime, at the end of Family Snuggle Time:

Michael: Hey, Cami.

Cami: Yes, Daddy?

Michael: Remember how you said the early bird always gets the worm?

Cami: Yes?

Michael: Well, that's true. But you know what's also true?

Cami: What, Daddy?

Michael: The second mouse always gets the cheese.

I love my family.

Reminder to Self: You Prayed This

2010-03-17T19:40:00.000-04:00

Asaph's Prayer

Psalm 80, verse 3:

O God [Elohim, Almighty God, Supreme Being, Creator and Ruler of everything],

restore us [turn us around, bring us back to the position/condition of our intended-to-be this-is-how-You-made-us state]

and cause Your face [Your presence, Your person (What is the significance of God's face in scripture?)]

to shine [to become light, as in not dark; to illuminate, as in no confusion, no chaos] upon us,

and we will be saved [delivered, liberated, victorious].

Verbs throughout the psalm: Lord, please

* turn again to us now

*look from Heaven

*take care of us

*put Your hand on us

*revive us

Verses 7 and 19:

O Lord God of Hosts, restore us and cause Your face to shine upon us, and we will be saved.

Marked by Love

2010-03-16T15:36:00.000-04:00

(Y'all pray for me. I'm supposed to be blogging on a regular basis. I haven't been. It seems too scary. But I need to do it. . .so here goes. . .)

I read Bring the Rain regularly. The story is tragic; the aftermath is amazing; the writing is engaging.

Today, Angie's blog led me to Lisa's blog and her giveaway.

I read the comments. So many lost children. Well, not lost, exactly. Just not here. So much grief with chunks of joy scrunched in. Only Jesus can do that.

I thought about my ~~lost~~ not-here children. Only a few trusted hearts know the whole story. Others who know the bare bones think I've had multiple miscarriages. It's just easier to let them think that.

Maybe I'll be brave enough soon to tell the whole story. Maybe my husband will say it's okay to tell the whole story. (It's his story, too.)

For now, the comments on Lisa's blog have me thinking. Not feeling, exactly, and that's what has me thinking.

Together, Michael and I made six embryos.
Only one embryo implanted in my womb and became Cami.
I believe embryos = babies.
If embryos = babies, and I've lost five of them to heaven, shouldn't I feel sad?

I have a working theory about that: Jesus put so much life and joy into the embryo that became Cami, how can I feel sad when I have her?

Still, I wonder if I've just shut parts of my heart away from my emotions because it hurts too much to feel it.

Wow. I haven't blogged in two months, and I come back with this cryptic stuff.

(I just called Michael at work. He said I could tell the whole story. . .)

Go see Lisa's jewelry. It's beautiful. Leave a comment and maybe win Audrey's necklace.

Check here tomorrow. Walk with me as I record how I've been marked by love.

Not So Distant Now

2010-01-12T23:10:00.003-05:00

My cousin, Barbara Williams Freeman, arrived in Haiti Sunday to lead a mission trip.

There was a 7.0 earthquake there today.

Here are some of her recent Facebook updates:

Sat. 9:51 p.m.
I would ask prayers from friends and family as I depart for Haiti tomorrow morning. We have a 50 member team doing medical, dental, and construction work in all parts of Haiti and I will be doing my sponsorship work with the children. Many others in my family (Shannon, Laura, Ben, Becky, Benjy, Rob and Parker) will arrive next Saturday for the dedication of the Matt Baugh Mission House next Sunday. Then our family will be off to LaGonave to visit the schools and distribute food packets to the families of the children. How blessed we are to be involved in the work Christ calls us to. I have had a few sad moments since this will be the first time I head off to Haiti without a prayerful sendoff from my Daddy [Dell Williams, who passed away last year] and the knowledge that he was bringing me before our Father's throne each moment I was away. I do miss him so much.

Mon. 11:14 a.m.
Rose on this first day in Haiti tired and with so much to do. I was reminded of Psalm 100 "serve the Lord with gladness", Spurgeon's comment..."if there is not a holy cheerfulness to oil our wheels, our spirits will be clogged with weariness." How I pray for holy cheerfulness, not just today but everyday.

7:56 p.m.
Thankful that all 50 team members arrived safely and eager to head out tomorrow to begin work. Clothes and shoes being distributed in the village of Cotin; Clinic held in another; eye exams and glasses; food distributed to sponsored children; construction continuing on the clinic and church! I love what I do. Thank you Lord!

Tues. 7:45 p.m.
Earthquake damaged all buildings here at the camp. My room shook so violently that I could not walk out, I crawled. Many houses around the camp demolished. Team has pulled out many and our medical team just arrived back at camp when quake hit. Many injured and being treated in the yard of camp. Many dead. We are still feeling aftershocks. Pray for us.

8:45 p.m.
Aftershocks coming now. People continue to pour into the camp. Many painful injuries of children, compound fractures. We heard that the central hospital has collapsed. We have no place to transfer seriously injured people. Drs and nurses are treating them the best they can and they are lying all over the yard. Pray my friends.

9:09 p.m.
Strong aftershocks continue. We have all moved outside where we sit among the injured. Our outside field is full of injured but we cannot help them all. It is a minute to minute thing. Our buildings have damage so as long as aftershocks continue, we will have to stay outside. It is difficult to hear the cries of the wounded. The children are the worst.

9:14 p.m.
The guys on the construction team have the saws out making splints. We are tearing sheets making to secure splints and whatever. Thank the Lord of our faithful generator so we can continue to see. No power outside camp that we can tell. I have M & M's in my room and they won't let me go get them!!!

9:20 p.m.
Four Haitians have died here at the camp. We are out of medications. We have heard that US military may be coming to help. Hope it is true.

9:50 p.m.
Death toll at the camp is now 5....all children. We have a man whose leg needs to be amputated and another whose eye is destroyed. Feel so helpless. What will daybreak bring?

With Bebe's updates, it feels so immediate. Please pass this information along to people who pray. Pray for God's tangible presence in the midst of disaster. Pray for physical and emotional safety for the mission team. Pray that Jesus, Immanuel, will show Himself mighty to save.

One comment offered as encouragement stopped me in my tracks:
Your anchor holds secure. Trust Him, even though you are in the midst of a terrible storm. Those proud surging waves of grief and devastation will go no further than a nail-scarred hand will allow. I pray that Haiti will be transformed by the gospel through this. I pray that the wailing for the dead, will be turned into joy in the morning! Great is His faithfulness, do not lose sight of that in the turmoil! Great is His faithfulness!

It's true. I believe it. Lord, forgive my near-sightedness. Break my heart for Your world, Your people.

UPDATE:
More Facebook status updates from Bebe:

Wed. 10:00 a.m.
Hey guys, We have heard that CNN is reporting that our runway is usable. We are contacting local people and some outside US to get us drugs. Main goal today is clean up camp and get meds so we can treat people. We are going to clinic at UN to try to find a place to take the seriously injured. We haven't been out to... check roads yet to see if we can get around. Will know more later.

10:10 a.m.
So many have asked what meds we need that I am putting it out here for whomever: IV fluids and tubing needles to start IVs injectable pain medications and antibiotics wound and bandaging supplies iodine oral antibiotics for adults and children Type of antibiotics: Keflex and Rocephen (sp)

11:00 a.m.
We sent out a recon team this morning to check out roads and try to find some hospital or clinic to take those we have helped all we can, also need a morgue to take the bodies. A clinic was located who agreed to take the injured. As some are moved out, others come but not the frantic pace we had last night.

11:05 a.m.
Those who went out reported unbelievable devastation, bodies everywhere and injured lying unattended. One dear neighbor at our camp lost two children when his house collapsed. He was here this morning asking for plywood to make coffins. Tears flow but pain doesn't go away, but we cling to our Christ.

UPDATE: Barbara is back on US soil! Thank you for your prayers. Keep praying for the people in Haiti.

Fri. 1:26 p.m.
Thank you for all your prayers and praise to our Great God for delivering his people. After a very frustrating day of waiting 12 hours to get out of PAP the decision was made to drive to Santo Domingo to try to get commercial flights to US. About 3:00 am, a loud knock came and I opened my door to a 6' something Lt. Col in the Army telling me

1:33 p.m.
to get dressed and have my bags on the bus in ten minutes, he was taking us home. We were flown out in a C 17 transport plane by the most courteous and thoughtful crew to McGuire AFB in New Jersey where again we were fed given cots treated so wonderfully by the military before we were bussed to Philadelphia where we are awaiting pick up to make the final trek home! The prayers of many saints have been answered.

1:35 p.m.
As we left our camp a bittersweet feeling came over me as we said goodbye to our dear Haitian workers and friends. We were going home, but they would be left behind with all the devastation and pain. Please continue to pray for all those we left behind. Love to all.

9:18 p.m.
am happy to be sleeping in my own bed tonight thanks to God's great provision and the Mississippi Air National Guard crew of the C-17 which brought us to McGuire AFB, and the very generous gesture of NWA corporation who provided their private jet to meet us there and bring us home. Loved having the boys meet me....I expect my Haitian friends are spending another night out of doors since there were more aftershocks reported this morning. Please continue prayers.

Thought you might want to see whom you're praying for:

Barbara's mission organization's website: http://www.missiontohaiti.org/

Less Cooperation, More Community

2010-01-02T21:13:00.000-05:00

I read this interview in Christianity Today yesterday. Here's the quote that stopped me in my tracks:

". . . God Himself is community. . .God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are a community, and They model community for us. The prayers of Jesus to His Father are amazing. What the Father tells the Son is deep and loving: 'You are My beloved Son.' The way Jesus talks about the Spirit coming is warm and intense: 'I'm leaving but the Spirit is coming.' The Trinity is a community that models for us how to get along, how to be interdependent, how to keep our own specificity without the sense of competition."

---Valdir Steuernagel

how to keep our own specificity without the sense of competition

Oh, if I could only get that!

Lord, please teach me to walk in my gifts the path You have set before me, without straying onto someone else's specificity or buying the lie of competition.

A New Decade

2010-01-01T13:12:00.000-05:00

Everywhere I look, folks are reflecting on 2009 and setting goals for 2010. When I look at 2009, December fills up my rear-view mirror.

It was a hard month.

There is so much stirring in my deep heart and subconscious mind. I'm avoiding excavating it. Not sure why exactly, except that I don't have the gumption. Yet.

I have set some goals for 2010:
*writing every day
*reading every day
*keeping a list of unfamiliar words (and their definitions--building my word power)
*scripture every day (building my Word power)
*a space of silence every day, even if I must impose it
*reading every book on my bookshelves
*playing everyday (even when it feels uncomfortable and awkward)

Basically, I hope to put some discipline in my everyday existence. I hope to excavate December's experience and mine it for the heavenly treasure I know the Father has layered there. I want to learn to live fully present, authentic and pliable, in every moment. I want to see His glory in me.

Words for 2010:
transform
clarify
excavate
thrive

Here we go. . .

Songs for Surgery

2009-11-24T16:07:00.002-05:00

Two songs God is giving me for this season (thank you, Darren):

I'm casting my cares aside. I'm leaving my past behind.
I'm setting my heart and mind on You, Jesus.
I'm reaching my hands to Yours, believing there's so much more,
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good.
Today is the day You have made! I will rejoice and be glad in it.
And I won't worry about tomorrow. I'm trusting in what You say:
Today is the day.

I'm putting my fears aside. I'm leaving my doubts behind.
I'm giving my hopes and dreams to You, Jesus.
I'm reaching my hands to Yours, believing there's so much more,
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good.
Today is the day You have made! I will rejoice and be glad in it.
And I won't worry about tomorrow. I'm trusting in what You say:
Today is the day.

I will stand upon Your truth, and all my days I'll live for You
(even days I have surgery and recovery and needs that I can't meet by myself. . .)

Today is the day You have made! I will rejoice and be glad in it.
And I won't worry about tomorrow. I'm giving You my fears and sorrows.
Where You lead me, I will follow. I'm trusting in what You say:
Today is the day.

Before you watch this next video, let me explain how this is a kiss from Jesus to me:

1. I head in for surgery again next Monday (Nov. 30th). My biggest anxiety-causer has been "Who's going to be there for Cami?" It's a Mommy thing, I think.

2. Dumbo is one of Cami's favorite movies of all time. We watched that movie every day for at least two of her nine-and-a-half years.

3. I'm struggling with God as my parent: my loving, supportive, calls-me-forth-to-do-and-be-things-that-seem-too-hard parent. I struggle with feeling abandoned by my mom and my sister, knowing all the while that they are unavailable to me because of wounds they walk in, wounds that have nothing to do with me.

I just heard this song for the first time last Sunday. My friend Melisa laid herself open before God and led us straight to the foot of His throne with this song. I wanted to post a video with the song instead of just a boring audio track. All the videos I found were cheesy.

Then I found this video, and while some may think it's cheesy, I know it's Jesus blowing me a big, fat, sloppy kiss.

Enjoy. (And remind me I said all this.)

Unredeemed

2009-11-03T12:32:00.006-05:00

A friend of mine is facing uterine cancer surgery on Friday. When Michael said to her, "I heard some news about you, and it wasn't good," she said,

"You heard wrong."

Cancer not bad news?

She looked Michael square in the eyes and said, "I get to be a cancer survivor. I get to add that to my testimony."

Wow.

Listen to the conversation Jesus is having with me this week:

Friday: "Candi, is it enough just to know why you're hurting? Or do you want to be healed?"

Saturday: "So what if it's cancer? Am I not bigger than that? You say you'll worship Me no matter what (desert, oasis, storm, calm, death life). Really? Will you really?"

Sunday: (from Bring the Rain's blog post) "Do you want to get well?"

Monday: (from a pillar of faith in Jesus) Cancer is an opportunity; she "gets to be a cancer survivor."

TODAY: (From Beth Moore teaching from Psalm 139) " 'You know what? You're capable of more than this. I know what is in you!' And it is one of God's goals to get us to come forth and be the person He knows we can be. We will just say over and over again, 'I'm too weak for this!' And He goes, 'You know what? You can do all things through Christ Who strengthens you, Whose Spirit is inside of you. You are a warrior, not a wimp! I know what you are capable of!' "

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas!

2009-10-23T23:16:00.004-04:00

Yes, I know: it's not even Halloween.

But Cami's singing Christmas songs, watching Christmas movies, and putting Christmas cards in envelopes all the same.

Yesterday, she made a snowman in the living room.

Yep. You guessed it: his name is Frosty. Earlier in the day, she watched Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July. It was truly a terrible video, but she watched it because she'd "never seen this one before." (If you're interested in a plot summary, read it on Wikipedia. Save yourself the 97 minutes of video torture.)

The faithful purple ball served as Frosty's head. We bought that ball for Cami when she was 2 years old. It's lop-sided now, but she still plays with it. She was very proud of how she balanced the broom in Frosty's hand, but she was extremely disappointed that we don't have anything that will serve as a top hat. Because that's where Frosty's magic is, you know: it's all in the hat.

"Mom, may I borrow your coat? Mine's too small to work."

"Sure, honey. And thanks for asking."

What you can't see is the vacuum cleaner which is shoring up Frosty's backside. He was leaning a bit. . .

Before the day was through, in addition to Frosty in the living room, she used her actual snow sled to make a sleigh with a bag of toys "display" in the basement. At first, her big black plastic horses were the reindeer, but I think she traded out the horses for stuffed animals (dogs, of course). (Sorry; I didn't capture that scene on camera.)

While I was making supper, I heard Cami talking in the living room. I thought she was talking to Roscoe. It turns out she was making a video.

Unfortunately, she didn't know that our digital camera takes video without recording audio. Although you can't hear her voice, you can tell what she's saying by where she's pointing the camera. Pay close attention when she shows you Frosty's corn cob pipe, his button nose, and his two eyes made out of coal. If you're prone to motion sickness, you might want to skip viewing this one. It's really just for the grandparents anyway.

In addition to inventive source material for her creations, my girl's one for details as well. For our Happy Birthday Jesus party last year, Michael bought this DVD that has different scenery videos (like screen savers, only videos to play on your TV during parties and such). These videos do have audio, so the fireplace crackles, the fireworks boom, and the aquarium bubbles.

Cami chose the snow-out-the-window scene. Guess what sound it makes?

Jingle bells. Over and over and over.

It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas at our house. And it's only October.

Ahhhh. Life with Cami the Brilliant. How blessed am I.

Tiny Masters

2009-10-22T23:30:00.001-04:00

On this morning's post on the Living Proof Blog, Beth Moore says,

So many of us in this community have been freed from big things. We’ve also, thanks to the persistent, sustaining grace of God, learned how to be on guard against other big things. We know that there’s a life we do NOT want to return to and that our joy, our anointing and our profound effectiveness thrive only when we are dancing free in Christ. But it’s occurred to me again recently how insidious the smaller things can be. If our enemy can’t hang us with one big rope, he’ll gladly strangle us with a thousand threads.

We forget we’ve been set free. We keep returning back to that enslaved way of thinking and living and find ourselves in bondage to a host of little masters. Most of these things are not bad in themselves. Maybe they’re even good. They’ve just taken more authority and attention than they should. . .I’ve had a lot more than one but there is one in particular I became most aware of. It wasn’t a bad thing. Not a sinful thing. It had just become too much of a thing. It had the makings of an addiction. . .I had lost the ability to be moderate with it.

1 Corinthians 6:12 speaks to those things that aren’t bad in themselves but have the propensity to enslave us. Those things that I’m referring to, in this post, as little masters. Under the inspiration of the Spirit, Paul reframed a common colloquialism of his time. You’ll see it in quotations in the segment below just as you’d see it in quotations in most of your translations. Paul was frustrated with new believers in Christ who were twisting around the whole idea of freedom from religious laws and using a common saying in their culture to support their carnal appetites. He made a distinction that is the difference between day and night in our daily lives if we’re willing to listen.
“Everything is permissible for me” – but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me” – but I will not be mastered by anything.
Something may be permissible that has grown out of proportion until it has ceased to be beneficial. It has taken a place of mastery. Authority. We feel enslaved to it. . .It’s often not the big things, Girls. It’s that host of tiny masters. Put them back in their place. They've grown from trolls into monsters.

Hmmmmm. . .

I become a slave to a good thing if that good thing becomes too much of a thing. . .

if that thing becomes bigger in my focus than Jesus. . .

if the church schedule gets in the way of having time to sit at His feet. . .

And through your words, again Jesus reminds me of that Word He gave me during the Living Proof Live simulcast from Green Bay:

"DO NOT FRET."

Don't gnaw on
those worries about the future,
those concerns over finances,
those supposed parenting inadequacies. . .

"Do not fret.
Delight yourself in the LORD."

Delight not as a trigger to make Him give me my heart's desires,
but delight because He is delightful.

Thank you, Beth.

Cami Had A Blue Coconut Slushie at Sonic

2009-10-22T00:49:00.001-04:00

Happy Thursday!

Grief

2009-10-16T14:28:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about how I process grief. It's a sneaky emotion, taking a myriad of forms, disguising itself, pretending to be so many other things.

Maybe it's my own doing, you know, expecting to feel a certain way in reaction to difficult things. I expect to feel sad at the death of a relative. Instead, I feel snippy and short-tempered. Stressed at keeping all the details together. Obligated to make sure the dog's needs are met. Pressured to help Cami manage the emotional landscape. Whiney because it feels like there's no room for me to manage myself.

We're in Murfreesboro, Tennessee again. For another funeral. Seems like we were here just last summer.

Oh, wait. We were.

PawPaw's was the first death for the Allens and Dickersons. He lived a full, long life, built a large faith legacy, and left his wife alone for the first time in 65 years. Granny Allen waited another 16 months to go Home and join him.

Fidg's was the second, an unexpected and unfair deal, raw and oozing grief, the kind that makes you nauseated.

Buddy's was our own special heartache, both in the timing and the circumstances. I think because his was the last in the long string of 2008 grief-pearls, I piled all my sadness onto losing him.

Cami did the same, I think, only she's more outward with her expression of the deep grief.

Now it's time to say goodbye to Granny. In this new season of grief, Buddy is still very much part of Cami's grieving process. When I woke up yesterday in the hotel room, I saw faithful Guard Buddy sitting where Cami had placed him before going to bed.

Only Cami keeps hoping "this funeral thing is a false alarm." She and I are in the hotel room, reading, talking, being quiet mostly. She doesn't want to go to the funeral home; she doesn't want to attend the funeral; and she doesn't want to visit the graveside.

"But Mommy?"

"Yes, Cami?"

"Every time we come to Tennessee, we always visit Granny's house. It won't be the same without her, but can we go anyway?"

And so, we'll spend the afternoon and evening with the Allen-Dickerson families at Granny's house. Sharing food, memories, and grief.

If you won't be offended, go read this:

2009-10-01T01:14:00.002-04:00

Psalm 151 -- a psalm of Jack Bauer.

I laughed.

It's All About Perspective

2009-09-24T11:07:00.003-04:00

Recently, I came across this article. Reading it spurred me to Tweet several times about it, which clued me in to: I need to blog about this one. (My Tweets are in italics.)

Comments on the article are interesting. I was told I was 1 in a million. Article says 1 in 10,000. Still pretty rare, I guess.

Rare, backwards, heart in the wrong place. . .can make a girl feel odd, abnormal, weirdo. I choose: unique, special, out of the ordinary.

People see my Medic Alert bracelet, ask, "What's that for?" My opportunity to educate them, explain how I'm unlike anyone they've ever met!

Pop used to tease me: "When you're pregnant, will you stick out backwards?" And don't get hom ruminating about situs inversus and burps...

Situs Inversus Totalis.
(sites inverted totally)

1 in 1,000,000,000. That's me.

Dental Irony and Some Bling

2009-09-14T22:00:00.002-04:00

I have me some bling in my mouth! That's right: I have a gold tooth now. Well, a gold cap on my tooth anyway.

Today's dental visit was actually funny. I was sitting in the chair and Michele was cleaning off the old cement from the temporary crown I've had for six weeks. Christina had just cleaned my teeth and gums, so my mouth was already tender. My drilled-down molars didn't want to give up the old cement without twinges of pain.

I don't like pain.

Michele kept at it, asking me if I was all right--which I was. She wasn't hurting me. My teeth were.

They play this great radio station in the dentist office, one of those whose playlist is mostly 80s & 90s music, with the occasional 70s song mixed in. About the fifth time my molar protested, my brain tuned in to the song playing in the background: Boy George singing, "Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?"

I like dental irony.

If you know me, you know I used to loathe going to the dentist. No one actually likes it, right? I took it to the extreme: I had panic attacks. That led to years without any dental visits, which led to gross teeth and poor dental health. Brushing only gets so much of the gunk.

I found a nice dentist two summers ago that I liked well enough. I went in because I had an infected tooth that had swelled my check so that I looked weird. And it hurt. After the tooth was pulled and the gum healed, I made another appointment to start the long road to improved dental hygiene. Except they had fired the nice dentist. I wasn't impressed with the dentist who took my case. So I didn't go back.

This past spring, when I broke a molar, I did the whole call-around-and-find-a-dentist thing. Again. I called a place in Lorton where they sounded nice, but they didn't have the equipment necessary to fix my tooth. They referred me to Dr. Griffin at Reflection Dental in Alexandria, Virginia. "Is he nice?" I asked the stranger on the phone. She assured me he is very nice.

If you live around here, go see Dr. Griffin. He takes time with his patients, without being rude to other waiting patients. He has a sure but gentle touch, and he explains everything before it happens. He even took the time to help me figure out how to adjust the volume on my IPod. (If any of the work you need to have done involves a drill, take your IPod. It will help with the noise.)

Here's the thing: it isn't just the dentist that's so great about this dental practice. It's everyone I've met.

When I made my appointment and told Nikki in the office that I was a wimp in the dental chair, she assured me everything would be fine. When I got lost trying to get to that first appointment, Nikki gave me directions (several times) over the phone, never once sounding impatient.

Christina took my diseased gums, cleaned them, explained the therapy, and encouraged me when I called the office concerned that the antibiotic had come out of my gums. "I've never heard of that happening before," she said. I guess I'd forgotten to tell her that I'm always the patient that weird stuff happens to. Christina has been more than an excellent periodontist; she's my gum-care cheerleader. I actually floss every day! That fact alone should speak volumes for Christina's skill.

Michele assisted Dr. Griffin with the first broken molar, took excellent x-rays, and generally made me feel important and comfortable. She's soft-spoken and cheerful, personable and professional all at once. When I told her I was going to blog about my visit today, she had me write down the blog address on a PostIt. (Hi, Michele!) Then she told Dr. Griffin I was going to blog about them. Talk about making me feel significant, I tell you: that truly did.

After my first exam and x-rays, Marquita (I hope I spelled that correctly) sat down with me and went over the extended financial plan, what the insurance would and wouldn't cover, how much my part would be, and all those other details that can be uncomfortable to talk about. Since May, I've had three crowns, one filling, and two cleanings with gum therapy. I maxed out my dental coverage for the year after my second visit. But thanks to Marquita's clear financial explanations, Reflection Dental's patience, and my husband's brilliant budgeting, I got my bling! And my teeth don't hurt anymore.

I need two more fillings and ongoing periodontal care, and every bit of it will happen at Reflection Dental West End. If you need a dentist (and trust me, if you don't see a dentist regularly, you need a dentist!), call them. Tell them Candi sent you.

Maybe you'll get some dental bling, too!

Where Were You?

2009-09-11T08:31:00.001-04:00

I was getting my house ready to host the babies play group. Seven moms were to show up at 10:30 a.m. with their babies (all about 3 months old). Michael called me from work and said, "Turn on the TV."

"Why?" I asked.

"It's bad. Just turn it on."

"What channel?"

"It doesn't matter. Gotta go." And he hung up.

I turned on the TV to NBC, I think. By the time I had oriented to what was happening, the plane hit the second tower, and that was when I started to cry.

Needless to say, the play group didn't meet. I called every mom to make sure they were okay. I cried for the rest of the day. Over the next several weeks, Michael and I made an emergency plan, bought survival supplies to shelter in place, and prayed a lot more than before.

It's Still August, and I'm Still in Awe.

2009-08-26T02:30:00.008-04:00

I have to confess: it's been two days since I met God in His Word.

He has still met me, though. He came looking for me, whispering my name with encouraging comments on my blog, free tickets to the local Beth Moore Living Proof simulcast this weekend, and sweet hugs from my girl.

I'm so glad for grace.

I homeschool my 9-year-old girl, and we are really struggling this week! God is in our midst:

through discovering clumps of caterpillars "by accident" just this morning

(they now reside in our Butterfly Pavilion);

by way of discovering how much many of our founding fathers loved Him

(and making a powdered wig out of Kleenex for the favorite stuffed animal just to celebrate--unprompted by the mommy/teacher);

in watching my beautiful daughter with learning differences

draw beautiful pictures,

write me personal message;

read the fire out of book after book after book.

We're trying to be on purpose about subjects studied and schedules kept,

and we are running into old fears, heartaches, and grief (both the mommy and the child!).

We've had neck aches, arm and shoulder aches, headaches, and tummy aches.

We've stayed up late and slept in the tub. (Not kidding! This is a new one for her. . .)

Please pray for us homeschooling moms and dads,

that we will keep the Main Thing the main thing

(to model what it looks like to love the LORD our God with all our hearts, souls, minds, and strength,

and to love our neighbors as ourselves).

Thank You, Jesus, for the calling to homeschool.

Oh, Holy Spirit, PLEASE give me the

strength,

wisdom,

discernment,

creativity, and

tenacity

to train up my child in the way she should go,

while I'm teaching her to

read,

write,

figure,

think,

reason,

trust,

create,

love, and

bear Your light well.

Grace Proclaimed

2009-08-19T21:45:00.002-04:00

"Yet I will keep the covenant I made with you when you were young,

and I will establish an everlasting covenant with you. . .

And I will reaffirm My covenant with you,

and you will know that I am the LORD.

You will remember your sins and cover your mouth in silence and shame

when I forgive you of all that you have done," says the Sovereign LORD.

(Ezekiel 16:60, 62-63)

God's Purpose in Destruction and Appointed Captivity

2009-08-18T23:20:00.001-04:00

He wants our whole hearts. He wants us to come home to Him.

Ironic that He has to scatter us away from our home in order to make our hearts right about living at home, about coming home.

Therefore, give the exiles this message from the Sovereign LORD: "Although I have scattered you in the countries of the world, I will be a sanctuary to you during your time in exile. I, the Sovereign LORD, will gather you back from the nations where you are scattered, and I will give you the land of Israel once again. When the people return to their homeland, they will remove every trace of their detestable idol worship. And I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their hearts of stone and give them tender hearts instead, so they will obey my laws and regulations. Then they will truly be my people, and I will be their God." (Ezekiel 11:16-20)

Six times in the passage beginning at 12:12 and concluding at 13:23, we see this phrase:

"Then you will know that I am the LORD."

Sums it up well, don't you think?

Grief Is Here

2009-08-17T22:46:00.015-04:00

Grief has been hanging out at my house lately. My girl is finally getting to the deep part of last summer's losses. It's emotionally intense around here.

As if God has been preparing me to model for Cami these stages of grief, I've hit deep parts of hurts I didn't know I had. I'm mourning for babies that never made it to earth. I'm processing childhood traumas that I don't even remember. I'm reclaiming spaces in my heart and in my home.

All of this with Jesus' tender arms wrapped around my family. We're making tear soup, and the aroma is wafting all through our living spaces.

Mom, remember that guy who wrote on the computer that I should draw on the sidewalks?

You mean when Aunt Betsy's Josh commented on your art blog that someday he might see your drawings on the sidewalk in New York City?

Yeah. Well, I was thinking that I'll draw on all the sidewalks of our neighborhood so that maybe everyone will come enjoy it.

Our only neighborhood cat

Horses running in a meadow, a Native American scene,
and a dog that walks around our block every day

Then, she got down to it.

Four days later, the rain washed Cami's sidewalk art away. One of my neighbors told me everyone had been asking whose dog died. She told them it happened last summer.

Then three days ago:

Look what I made, Mom.

It's a tombstone for my baby sister in heaven.

I want us to go out back behind our fence and stand it in the dirt back there,so when we want to remember, we can go look at it.

Cami, if we put this outside, the weather will ruin it.

But Mom, I covered it in plastic. It'll be all right.

The top line shows Jessie and Cami (given name Campbell) holding hands.

The next line shows their favorite animals.

The top left corner holds silk flowers for Jessie.

Right in the center is, of course, the decease's engraved name.

On the next line, in red, are the two options for worship we have as humans:

(left) we shouldn't worship other gods (like the Egyptian god who is crossed out), but

(right) we should love and worship Jesus alone. He's the only One who died on the cross for our sins.

The faces at the bottom? A happy face with an arrow pointed towards Jesus' symbol, and a mad face with an arrow pointed at the false god's symbol.

All covered in plastic taped closed so it's weatherproof and ready to be displayed.

God of Metaphors

2009-08-17T22:29:00.002-04:00

Today's passages: Ezekiel 5:1-17, 6:1-14, 7:1-27, 8:1-18, 9:1-11.

I made a list today of all of God's tasks for Ezekiel that serve as metaphors:
*E. is to tell them God's word whether they listen or not (and God predicts they won't listen) (2:1-ff)
*E. eats the scroll of funeral songs, doom, and destruction (2:8-10, 3:1-3)
*E. is to shut himself in his house (3:24)
*God ties E. up (3:25)
*God sticks E.'s tongue to the roof of his mouth so he can't pray for Israel (3:36)
*E. is to make a map out of a brick and do all this stuff to it (4:1)
*E. lies on his left side for over a year (390+40 days) (4:4)
*God ties E. up with ropes so that he is immobile (4:8)
*E. has to ration food and water (4:10)
*E. has to bake his bread in front of everyone over dung (cow, not human) (4:12-17)
*E. has to shave his head and beard (5:1)
*E. should burn the shaved hair and tie some of the hair into his robe (5:2-4)

God gives Jeremiah, Ezekiel, and Hosea metaphors to act out, but He explains the symbolism as well--explanations for what He asks them to do).

Along with all the extreme stuff God asks Ezekiel to do, though, Ezekiel receives multiple glimpses into Heaven's Throne room and visions of Jesus himself.

I want to see Jesus, too--but I don't want to do all the extreme stuff God might ask me to do. Yet the more I see Him, experience Him, the more willing I am to do whatever He asks.

Even if He doesn't explain it.

(I think. . .)

I've Been Unplugged. . .

2009-08-16T23:50:00.001-04:00

. . .but still reading.

And God's still been speaking. I'm not sure of the practical application of it all, but He's speaking:

Friday, August 14, 2009:
Compared to Him, all people are foolish and have no knowledge at all! They make idols, but the idols will disgrace their makers, for they are frauds. (We will never be disgraced by Yahweh.) They have no life or power in them. Idols are worthless; they are lies! The time is coming when they will all be destroyed.

But the God of Israel is no idol! He is the Creator of everything that exists, including His people, His own special possession. The LORD Almighty is His name! (Jeremiah 51:17-19)

The LORD says: "Do not fool yourselves that the Babylonians are gone for good. They aren't!Even if you were to destroy the entire Babylonian army, leaving only a handful of wounded survivors, they would still stagger from their tents and burn this city to the ground!" (Jeremiah 37:9-10)

The LORD's plans and purposes

will not be thwarted
may not follow a predictable pattern

Saturday, August 15, 2009:
I started reading Ezekiel today!
Passages read: Jeremiah 37:11-21, 38:1-28; Ezekiel 1, 2, 3:1-15

Things that resonated:

*Four of Ezekiel's five senses were involved in this experience with God.
Oh, LORD, I want to know You like that!

*Three times in Ezekiel 1, the Word comments on the movement of the living beings:
v.9--"The living beings were able to turn in any direction without turning around."
v. 12--"They went in whatever direction the spirit (lower-cased 's') chose, and they moved straight forward in all directions without having to turn around."
v. 17--"The beings could move forward in any of the four directions they faced, without turning as they moved."

*Five times between Ezekiel 2:1 and 3:15, God tells Ezekiel that His people are rebellious:
v. 5-- And whether they listen or not – for remember, they are rebels – at least they will know they have had a prophet among them.
v. 6-- Son of man, do not fear them. Don't be afraid even though their threats are sharp as thorns and barbed like briers, and they sting like scorpions. Do not be dismayed by their dark scowls. For remember, they are rebels!
v. 7-- You must give them My messages whether they listen or not. But they won't listen, for they are completely rebellious!
v. 8-- Son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not join them in being a rebel. Open your mouth, and eat what I give you.
3:10-- So don't be afraid of them or fear their angry looks, even though they are such rebels.

*God gave Ezekiel a tough task, but He made him tough enough:
3:7-9--I am sending you to the people of Israel, but they won't listen to you any more than they listen to Me! For the whole lot of them are hard-hearted and stubborn. But look, I have made you as hard and stubborn as they are. I have made you as hard as rock! So don't be afraid of them or fear their angry looks, even though they are such rebels.

*God also provided for Ezekiel's understandable reaction to the task set before him:
3:14-15--The Spirit lifted me up and took me away. I went in bitterness and turmoil, but the LORD's hold on me was strong. Then I came to the colony of Judean exiles in Tel-abib, beside the Kebar River. I sat there among them for seven days, overwhelmed. (I'll bet!)

Sunday, August 16, 2009:
After Ezekiel's seven days of being overwhelmed, God gives him a title: watchman for Israel. This title comes with even tougher responsibilities, all the things involved in taking God's message to an unresponsive people (Ezekiel 3:16-21).

Then, almost as an infusion of purpose, God allows Ezekiel to again see all the Glory that's at stake:

Then the LORD took hold of me, and He said to me, "Go out into the valley,and I will talk to you there." So I got up and went, and there I saw the glory of the LORD, just as I had seen it in my first vision by the Kebar River. And I fell face down in the dust. (Ezekiel 3:22-23)

I love how the Holy Spirit ministers and strengthens Ezekiel for the task at hand, over and over: Then the Spirit came into me and set me on my feet. He talked to me and said, "Go, shut yourself up in your house." (v. 24)

And chapter 4, God gives Ezekiel the task of being a living metaphor. God ties him up in his house, tells him to use a brick to illustrate the coming siege of Jerusalem, lie on his side for over a year as he "bears" Israel's and Judah's sins, eat bread and water as if they're rationed (which they will be), baking the bread in front of everyone over dung (Ezekiel 4:1-17).

God asked a lot of Ezekiel. Too much, maybe. But Ezekiel did what God said. He'd seen Heaven, and the Throne, and the One who sits on it. Twice. Of course he did what God said.

He did negotiate on the dung issue: Then I said, "O Sovereign LORD, must I be defiled by using human dung?" (4:14). "Human poop, God? Seriously? But that's too much. . ."

Verse 15: "All right," the LORD said. "You may bake your bread with cow dung instead of human dung." Whewy.

More Than Adequate for the Job at Hand

2009-08-13T23:27:00.004-04:00

This is what the LORD says: "A cry of anguish is heard in Ramah--mourning and weeping unrestrained. Rachel weeps for her children, refusing to be comforted--for her children are dead."

But now the LORD says, "Do not weep any longer, for I will reward you. (I know this is a people-group specific prophecy. But the irony--the timeliness of this Word into my situation is uncanny.) Your children will come back to you from the distant land of the enemy. There is hope for your future," says the LORD. "Your children will come again to their own land." (Jeremiah 31:15-17)

". . . on that day," says the LORD, "I will put My laws in their minds, and I will write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be My people. And they will not need to teach their neighbors, nor will they need to teach their family, saying, 'You should know the LORD.' For everyone, from the least to the greatest, will already know Me," says the LORD. (Jeremiah 31:34) (Oh, LORD! What a glorious day that will be!)

"But the One Who redeems them is strong. His name is the LORD Almighty. He will defend them and give them rest again in Israel." (Jeremiah 50:34)

"He is still their God, even though their land was filled with sin against the Holy One of Israel." (Jeremiah 51:5) (FAITHFULNESS)

Two Crowns, a Filling, Figs, and Faithfulness

2009-08-12T23:34:00.001-04:00

Today's passages: Jeremiah 23:33-40, 24:1-10, 29:1-32, 30:1-24, & 31:1-14.

I began this post with the intention of telling you
*about my morning dental appointment, and how I was brave and didn't cancel, and how I have the sore jaw to prove it
*about the passages I read in Jeremiah, how the LORD gave him a vision of baskets "filled with fresh, ripe figs" and "figs that were spoiled and could not be eaten" (24:2)
*about the wonderful way my husband cared for me, how he encouraged me to take a nap, how deeply I slept and how I actually rested
*about how I felt after said nap, like I'd been asleep for years, how hard it was to reorient to the day and the hour
*about how I've asked God to tell me His names of the babies in heaven

Instead, this is what came out on the page:

It's amazing to me how I crave God and His Word these days.

When I connect the dots--
a reading/writing personal goal for spiritual growth→
tough-to-understand passages→
ripping open of wounds I didn't know I had→
more reading His Word and responding in my blog→
feeling emotions I didn't know were so deep→
keeping my reading commitment and finding His comfort waiting for me in the pages--
I find a beautiful, intimate dance:
the God of the universe leading me, waiting for me, back and forth we go,
me, wandering, floundering, thrashing about,
Him, so patient when I step on His toes, supporting me when I stumble.

There is no contest to win, except to finish the race He's set before me.
There is no appropriate costume, except to stay turned towards Him.
There is no set order of steps, except to follow Him.

Words, Word, angst, Purpose, flailing, Faithfulness.

"The truth is that you will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for Me in earnest, you will find Me when you seek Me. I will be found by you," says the LORD. "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land." (Jeremiah 29:10-14)

The Time Is Coming

2009-08-11T23:30:00.003-04:00

"But I will gather together the remnant of My flock from wherever I have driven them. I will bring them back into their own fold, and they will be fruitful and increase in number. Then I will appoint responsible shepherds to care for them, and they will never be afraid again. Not a single one of them will be lost or missing," says the LORD.

"For the time is coming," says the LORD, "when I will place a righteous Branch on King David's throne. He will be a King Who rules with wisdom. He will do what is just and right throughout the land. And this is His Name: 'The LORD Is Our Righteousness (Yahweh Tsidqenu).' In that day Judah will be saved, and Israel will live in safety."

---Jeremiah 23:3-6

Spent

2009-08-10T23:43:00.005-04:00

9:30 a.m.-ish, from The One-Year Chronological Bible, New Living Translation:
O LORD, You alone can heal me; You alone can save. My praises are for You alone! . . . LORD, do not desert me now! You alone are my hope in the day of disaster. . . give me peace . . . . (Jeremiah 17:14, 17, 18)

11:00 a.m.-ish, from a morning conversation with Betsy:
Me: I prayed for triplets.

Bets: Did you really?

Me: Yes, I did. I wanted more than one child, but I only wanted to be pregnant once. Getting pregnant was hard. The pregnancy was hard. My delivery was the easiest part of the whole pregnancy. I had a c-section with a spinal block. I highly recommend it.

2:00 p.m.-ish, cleaning the lunch dishes:
Cami: Mom! I think I see a hummingbird in the backyard!

Me: Really?

Cami: Yes! Come see!

Me (kneeling on the couch beside her, looking out the window): Where?

Cami: It went under the umbrella. I think it likes my bike. (Pause while we wait for the bird to emerge.) I think it's a female ruby-throated hummingbird. (Flash of brilliant emerald, flitter and zoom.)

Me: Oh! There she is! (We watch as the beauty lights on the tree branch.) Cami, you were right. It is a female ruby-throated hummingbird.

(We watch in silence while Ruby inspects the red underground-line marker flags in our neighbors' yard, then moves out of sight.)

Me: You know Jesus just kissed you on the cheek, right?

Cami (smiling): Yeah. I have been wanting to see one in our yard all summer.

4:30 p.m.-ish, rushing out the door to pick up Michael:
I call out through the house, "Cami, time to go get Daddy!"

Up she comes from the basement carrying her babydoll in the miniature made-for-a-babydoll carrier. "Jessie's going to be my little sister until I meet my other sisters in heaven."

I don't really register what she's saying until "You know, Mom? When I think of heaven, I think of Fidg, PawPaw--not your dad, but, you know--PawPaw, and Buddy all up there together, running around and chasing fireflies."

Now I'm really listening. She's been grieving Buddy and processing our grief-filled summer, and I don't want to miss one word. Besides, even in my rush to beat Michael to the slug lot so he doesn't have to wait in the upper-90s-degree heat, I hear the Holy Spirit whisper, "Slow down. Listen to her. This is important. Don't miss it."

Now she says, "You know, Mom? I think we should name all those babies, even though they never came down to earth."

"Really?" I am caught, breathless, rooted to the floor where I stand, one foot on the landing, one on the step.

"Yes. We should name them." She slips her 9-year-old feet into her bright pink Crocs. "Mom, I think I know why God kept my brothers and sisters in heaven." She directs the next comments to herself, talking out loud. "Let's see, how many are there in all? Six? Yeah, six." She looks at me with those precious eyes. "See, I'll bet He thought that six would be too many children for you to take care of all at once. I think He put all their personalities in me so you could still enjoy all your children, but it wouldn't be so hard to take care of them." She's wearing a little grin, like she thinks this is the most delightful idea God has ever had.

I can't breathe. I can't blink. I can't speak or I will sob. In the same instant, I am touched and rent in two.

"Are you crying?" I don't want to upset her, but I literally can't move or speak. "Mommy?"

I swallow hard. "Let's go get your Daddy."

"Okay." She picks up her doll in its carrier. "Let's go, Jessie."

I walk out the door trying to focus through my tears without letting them fall, trying to compose myself without falling apart.

5:30 p.m.-ish, in the car after telling Michael what Cami said, before I run into the grocery store:
Michael: It's good, right?

Me: Yes. (Maybe swallowing will help the tears recede faster.) It just surprises me how deeply I feel it.

Michael: What?

Me (clearing my throat): It just surprises me how deeply I'm feeling it.

10:00 p.m.-ish, standing at the washer while Michael's at his desk (both located in the basement laundry room):
Me: What do you think about what Cami said?

Michael: About what?

Me: About naming the babies. (I don't really want to know what he thinks. I'm just so raw, and the sting of the grief is disconcerting. Then, almost yelling at him,) Do you think those embryos were babies?

Michael: I think the embryos were potential babies, yes. I believe they were the beginnings of life that, for whatever reason, God chose to not let develop.

2:07 a.m. Tuesday, trying to finish this blog post:
Or something along those lines. His words--his trying-to-comfort-me words--fade out as my thoughts scream louder: Did I kill my babies, LORD? I rethink what happened. There were six viable embryos. Dr. Soltes implanted four.

Me (to Michael): Cami was one of four.

Michael: Right.

Me: So the other three with her died.

Michael: Yes.

I turn back to the washer, start the water, load some clothes, and then the sobbing starts.

I wasn't even thinking about this when I woke up this morning.

It hasn't ever bothered me like this before. I've searched my heart from time to time, examined the morality of it, the "what if"s that accompany in vitro fertilization and embryonic cryo-storage.

We paid those storage fees for five years. Then I had my hysterectomy. No uterus, no way to ever carry those last two embryos to term. We signed the papers to donate the embryos, and I've often thought, "It's like I'm giving up my children for adoption." That always twinges a little.

Except tonight, the thought surfaces: They implanted the four "best" ones, the four that were most likely to survive and grow in my womb. I remembered the nurse saying that most embryos kept in cryo-storage for five years or more aren't viable after they're thawed for implantation.

Oh, the grief that is here in my heart over this, this old place we walked, the morality we came to terms with ten years ago. The fertility drugs made me so sick. I remember one day leaving my temp job in the city early and trying to make it home on the El (in Chicago). I had to get off the train less than halfway home because I felt so nauseous. My aunt came to pick me up; I was throwing up in the bushes and couldn't get back on the train.

When the accuser of the brethren starts to nag at me about the morality of IVF and manipulating eggs and sperm to make life spark, when he tries to play the "You were trying to play God" card, I think of the end result. I think of Cami and know: God ordained her life, her existence. Tonight, He did the work in my heart that releases me from thinking I controlled which embryos had a chance at life.

Later this evening, there were a few minutes where I literally felt His peace falling over me. With shudders and goosebumps on my arms, I felt the release happen. I felt Him release me from this burden, this shame of being an inadequate woman, the disappointment at being unable to do the very thing for which my body was created, the questionably-moral role that science played in Cami's conception. Michael wasn't even in the room when his daughter was conceived. It was all very hospital-procedure like.

Well, that's not totally true. I remember the hour I spent with my feet elevated at a 45-degree incline, the Mozart music playing in the dimly-lit room, the way I kept drifting to the edge of sleep then waking with a start, the warmth of the blanket enveloping me in its heaviness, the almost compulsive need to scream for Michael so he would make them take off the restraints and let me get up and run into the light.

I remember praying. That whole hour. Would that I had had a journal and a cool-writing pen.

I need to tell this story, don't I? I need to tell the story of my infertility to treatment to shots every day to laying on my side for hours, to losing my job for abundant absences to being approached by Washington State authorities with the question, "As the closest blood relative, would you want to adopt your young nephew who isn't born yet, but soon will be? We will take him into protective custody directly from the hospital nursery.

For this night (early morning), I will revel in the release from this bondage, and I will sleep.

And tomorrow, Michael and Cami and I will name the rest of our children.

Tête-à-tête

2009-08-09T15:14:00.004-04:00

Jeremiah: LORD, You always give me justice when I bring a case before You. Now let me bring You this complaint: Why are the wicked so prosperous? Why are evil people so happy? You have planted them, and they have taken root and prospered. Your name is on their lips, but in their hearts they give You no credit at all. But as for me, LORD, You know my heart. You see me and test my thoughts. (Jeremiah 12:1-3)

The LORD: If racing against mere men makes you tired, how will you race against horses? If you stumble and fall on open ground, what will you do in the thickets near the Jordan? (Jeremiah 12:5) (How is this God's answer to Jeremiah's complaint? Seems like He's talking in riddles.)

I have abandoned My people, My special possession. I have surrendered My dearest ones to their enemies. My chosen people have roared at Me like a lion of the forest, so I have treated them as though I hated them. (Jeremiah 12:7-8)

As for all the evil nations reaching out for the inheritance I gave My people Israel, I will uproot them from their lands just as Judah will be uprooted from hers. But afterward I will return and have compassion on all of them. I will bring them home to their own lands again, each nation to its own inheritance. And if these nations quickly learn the ways of My people, and if they learn to swear by My name, saying, "As surely as the LORD lives" (just as they taught My people to swear by the name of Baal), then they will be given a place among My people. (Jeremiah 12:14-16)

As a belt clings to a person's waist, so I created Judah and Israel to cling to Me. They were to be my people, my pride, my glory – an honor to my name. But they would not listen to Me. (Jeremiah 13:11) (Cross-reference the belt of truth in the spiritual armor, Ephesians 6:10-14.)

Jeremiah: Give glory to the LORD your God before it is too late. Acknowledge Him before He brings darkness upon you, causing you to stumble and fall on the dark mountains. For then, when you look for light, you will find only terrible darkness. (Jeremiah 13:16)

LORD, we confess our wickedness and that of our ancestors, too. We all have sinned against You. For the sake of Your own name, LORD, do not abandon us. Do not disgrace Yourself and the throne of Your glory. Do not break Your covenant with us. Please don't forget us! (Jeremiah 14:20-21)

The LORD: Even if Moses and Samuel stood before me pleading for these people, I wouldn't help them. Away with them! Get them out of my sight! (Jeremiah 15:1)

Because of the wicked things Manasseh son of Hezekiah, king of Judah, did in Jerusalem, I will make My people an object of horror to all the kingdoms of the earth. (Jeremiah 15:4) (How can one man have such a lasting effect on God?)

You have forsaken Me and turned your back on Me. Therefore, I will raise My clenched fists to destroy you. I am tired of always giving you another chance. (Jeremiah 15:6) (Really, God? But I'm saved from this because of Jesus, right? Right?)

The mother of seven grows faint and gasps for breath; her sun has gone down while it is yet day. She sits childless now, disgraced and humiliated. . . (Jeremiah 15:9) (LORD, is this Sarah?)

Jeremiah: Your words are what sustain me. They bring me great joy and are my heart's delight, for I bear Your Name, O LORD God Almighty. I never joined the people in their merry feasts. I sat alone because your hand was on me. I burst with indignation at their sins. Why then does my suffering continue? Why is my wound so incurable? Your help seems as uncertain as a seasonal brook. It is like a spring that has gone dry. (Jeremiah 15:16-18)

The LORD: If you return to Me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve Me. If you speak words that are worthy, you will be My spokesman. You are to influence them; do not let them influence you! They will fight against you like an attacking army, but I will make you as secure as a fortified wall. They will not conquer you, for I will protect and deliver you. I, the LORD, have spoken! Yes, I will certainly keep you safe from these wicked men. I will rescue you from their cruel hands. (Jeremiah 15:19-21) (A promise specific to Jeremiah . . . )

A Quote for Betsy

2009-08-09T10:12:00.000-04:00

We've been talking about this lately:

"If fame consists of image projection, Andy Warhol's prediction ("In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes") seems spookily relevant. Much of the projection via social networking sites and webcams is harmless, but it spreads us wide and thin. While deciding what to share with our public we're also editing ourselves, taking online quizzes to determine our Most Compatible Historical Era or Star Wars character. But true self-knowledge remains as elusive as ever. We see not only others, but also ourselves, 'as through a glass darkly.'

"Why are we so hungry to be known, and yet so unknowable?

"God knows. We were made for connection; projection is a very poor second."

---Janie Cheaney, World Magazine, August 1, 2009, p. 28.

Jeremiah's Prayer

2009-08-08T23:59:00.000-04:00

I know, LORD, that a person's life is not his own.

No one is able to plan his own course.

So correct me, LORD, but please be gentle.

Do not correct me in anger, for I would die.

---Jeremiah 10:23-24

Hmmmmmm. . .

2009-08-08T08:08:00.002-04:00

So much begins at the bottom of a mountain that is missed if one starts at the top.

---Mindy Belz, World Magazine; August 1, 2009, p. 62.

Not Gonna Bow

2009-08-07T23:36:00.003-04:00

I read about King Nebbie and his fiery furnace today. God is speaking through His Word; I'm just not clear on all that He's saying to me specifically.

Today's passages, Daniel chapters 2 and 3, were stories, familiar but good to read again. I have to wonder at some of the characters and their mindsets. The Bible doesn't always tell us what people were thinking or feeling. But I have to wonder.

Take King Nebuchadnezzar. In yesterday's reading, he was so impressed with Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. He found them to be wise and balanced in their judgment (Dan. 1:19-20). Then Daniel interprets a pesky dream, and seals his place among Nebuchadnezzar's officials. More impressive is Daniel's ability (God through Daniel) to show the LORD as supreme:

There are no . . . men . . . who can tell the king such things. But there is a God in heaven who reveals secrets . . . And it is not because I am wiser than any living person that I know the secrets of your dream, but because God wanted you to understand what you were thinking about. (Dan. 2:27-28, 30)

The king said to Daniel, "Truly, your God is the God of gods, the Lord over kings, a revealer of mysteries. . ." (Dan. 2:47)

Just three verses later, at the beginning of chapter 3, Nebuchadnezzar makes a huge gold statue and commands everyone to bow down and worship it.

What? What happened to his realization in Dan. 2:47? Was that declaration just words?

Of course, Rack, Shack, and Benny refuse to bow down and worship the statue or any other god besides the LORD. Furious, the king calls them into see him and gives them another chance. They are, after all, his appointed officials. And I wonder: where was Daniel in all this? Surely he wasn't bowing down. Maybe Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were the only Jews singled out for not bowing. Maybe they were the only ones tattled on (Dan. 3:8-12).

The three men's reply is a great moment in the Bible, I think, because it gives such a timeless application for all believers:

"O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us. He will rescue us from your power, Your Majesty. (So polite.) But even if He doesn't, Your Majesty can be sure that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up." (Dan. 3:16-18)

You know what happens. I think the New Living Translation is hilarious here when it describes the king as "so furious . . . that his face became distorted with rage" (verse 19). I have to wonder at the king's memory lapse. Was it really so long before this that Nebuchadnezzar encountered the Hebrew God's power?

I also wonder if Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah knew of Isaiah's prophecies, specifically chapter 43 when the LORD said, "When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you" (verse 2). That's what happened. The three men were "securely tied" and thrown "down into the roaring flames" (Dan. 3:23), but they weren't alone, and they didn't burn.

I love how God attended to every part of their situation:

*instead of three men, now there were four (and "one is like a son of the gods!");

*instead of securely tied, they were unbound,

*instead of thrown down into the roaring flames, they were walking around in the fire;

*instead of burned to death, "they aren't even hurt by the flames!"

all in verse 25.

I wonder what kind of relationship these three young men already had with the Living God. It wasn't like they were making deals with Him ("if You get me out of this one, I promise . . ." ). We know He had given them special ability to learn the literature and science of the time (Dan. 1:17), so I'm sure they were intellectual to some degree, and logical in their approach to life. They weren't sure He would deliver them from a burning death, only that He could. He is able. His deliverance of them from Nebbie's power could have been through death.

So many uncertainties. But they didn't bow.

Instead of trying to read their circumstances and find God's will through "signs," they stuck to His Word that never changes: "Do not worship any other gods besides Me. Do not make idols of any kind . . . You must never worship or bow down to them . . . " (Exodus 20:3-4). Even if they lost their jobs. Even if they lost their lives. They weren't going to bow. To anyone else but Jehovah.

Do I have that resolve? What would it be like to go on a safari through my life, an idol hunt?

Another blog series, probably.

A Homeschooling/God Moment

2009-08-06T23:50:00.004-04:00

I'm reading my daily scripture passages on one living-room couch while Cami reads her fresh-from-the-mailbox recent issue of Kids Discover on the other living-room couch. (We're not big believers in chairs. We like to sit together.)

I am enjoying the discoveries in a Bible story I thought I knew. It's a fresh breath after Jeremiah 19 and 20, God's planned destruction for His people with Jeremiah and Baruch in hiding. The next stop in the NLT Chronological Bible is the book of Daniel. I can't help but think of Veggie Tales and the chocolate bunny statue that I know is coming.

That's not the part that grabs me. It's this part:
The king ordered Ashpenaz, who was in charge of the palace officials, to bring to the palace some of the young men of Judah's royal family and other noble families, who had been brought to Babylon as captives. . ."Select only strong, healthy, and good-looking young men," he said. "Make sure they are well versed in every branch of learning, are gifted with knowledge and good sense, and have the poise needed to serve in the royal palace. Teach these young men the language and literature of the Babylonians. "Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah were four of the young men chosen, all from the tribe of Judah. The chief official renamed them with these Babylonian names: (Are you ready?)

Daniel was called Belteshazzar.
Hananiah was called Shadrach.
Mishael was called Meshach.
Azariah was called Abednego. (Daniel 1:3-4, 6-7)

I didn't know that.

We remember Daniel by his Hebrew name. But we remember the other three young men--the three who eventually confound the king by way of a fiery furnace--by their Babylonian names, their re-named names, their captivity names.

Why is that?

The living room is quiet with discovery.

I keep reading. At the top of the next page, I encounter those Hebrew names again. I try them out aloud: "Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah."

From the other couch, I hear a sweet voice say, "Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego."

I can't catch my breath.

"Cami, how do you know that?"

"What?"

"How did you know what I was reading?"

"Those are the original names for them, the names they were born with." She looks like she thinks she might be in trouble.

I am just so amazed at the whole exchange, my tone of voice is louder than normal. "Who taught you their original names though?"

"Oh." Like Whewy. I'm not in trouble. "Mr. Ben told us. At church."

"When?"

"Oh--a few weeks ago when he told us that story."

Okay, context: Cami and children's church haven't been getting along the past few months. Her gift package (thanks, Bets) doesn't translate to the jump-around-be-involved-but-still-pay-attention environment. That's one of the many reasons God has called us to homeschool. Her current Sunday school teachers are understanding of who Cami is and how she is made, and she finds real grace and compassion in their embrace. However, the children don't stay in one place during the second service. At some point, they combine classes in a larger auditorium for a Bible story and music time. Cami struggles with this transition, which leads her into behavior that seems uncooperative but is simply her way of coping.

I've spent the summer months wondering if we should just pull Cami out of the church environment altogether. It's too much like the public school classroom. Michael and I asked God to show us His plan for Cami and church, oh, two weeks ago. Our in-the-meantime strategy is to take her to church when she wants to go, and on the mornings that are too overwhelming, one of us stays home with her. Not a desirable long-term solution.

Now, here in my August Awe, God speaks not only to the "What will it be like for her to 'promote' to the third grade Sunday school class?" angst I have, but also to the "Am I ruining her with the way we do homeschool?" angst that I hide inside.

Mr. Ben, the gentleman that tells the Bible stories that includes Hebrew names changed to Babylonian names? He is the third-grade Sunday school teacher, the teacher Cami will have after Promotion Sunday.

There's more in this day's reading for me. It all has to do with diets and differing opinions of what's healthy and how one should live to the fullest:

"Test us for ten days on a diet of vegetables and water," Daniel said. "At the end of the ten days, see how we look compared to the other young men who are eating the king's rich food. Then you can decide whether or not to let us continue eating our diet." So the attendant agreed to Daniel's suggestion and tested them for ten days.

At the end of the ten days, Daniel and his three friends looked healthier and better nourished than the young men who had been eating the food assigned by the king. So after that, the attendant fed them only vegetables instead of the rich foods and wines. God gave these four young men an unusual aptitude for learning the literature and science of the time. And God gave Daniel special ability in understanding the meanings of visions and dreams.

When the three-year training period ordered by the king was completed, the chief official brought all the young men to King Nebuchadnezzar. The king talked with each of them, and none of them impressed him as much as Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. So they were appointed to his regular staff of advisers. In all matters requiring wisdom and balanced judgment, the king found the advice of these young men to be ten times better than that of all the magicians and enchanters in his entire kingdom. (Daniel 1:12- 20)

I hear an application for me that echoes back to verses in Jeremiah's story:

For Israel has forsaken me and turned this valley into a place of wickedness. The people burn incense to foreign gods – idols never before worshiped by this generation, by their ancestors, or by the kings of Judah. And they have filled this place with the blood of innocent children. They have built pagan shrines to Baal, and there they burn their sons as sacrifices to Baal. I have never commanded such a horrible deed; it never even crossed my mind to command such a thing! (Jeremiah 19:4-5)

Do what He commands, the "Do this, and do it this way," nothing extra, adding our own embellishments. That is obedience. Obedience leads us into living the way He designed us to live: with health and vigor, in fullness of life, walking in rightness.

Think of it! God designed this captivity Daniel and his friends were in. Yet, in their captivity, He gave them "unusual aptitude" and "special ability" for His purposes. They stuck out of the crowd. Even as they were renamed to fit the culture, Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah walked as God had made them: Hebrew diet, Hebrew God. They knew who they were--and, as we'll see tomorrow, Whose they were--and they lived that way.

Since my daily foray into God's Word, He has given me so many personal nuggets: applications, promises, prayers to pray back to Him. The one for how I parent Cami comes from Psalm 33:15: He made her heart, so He understands everything she does. When she baffles me--which is often--I remind God, "Lord, You made this child. . .show me what she needs. What do I do? What do I say?"

That's what He's done on this day, through three Hebrew names spoken aloud in my living room.

Everything He does is worthy of our trust!

Punishment and Protection

2009-08-05T23:05:00.006-04:00

Today's passages: Jeremiah 25:15-38, 36:1-32, 45:1-5, and 46:1-28.

A bit of context: the LORD is fed up with Israel and Judah, their kings and prophets, and all the idolatry they continue to practice. So He's sending captivity to His people. Warning them all along through Jeremiah that it's coming:

By the time Baruch had finished reading [the scroll of the LORD's message of coming captivity], they [Judah's officials] were badly frightened. . ."tell us how you got these messages. Did they come directly from Jeremiah?" His reputation proceeds him? Or maybe they truly have heard all he had to say on the LORD's behalf. . .just not believed it? Or were powerless to act on it?

So Baruch explained, "Jeremiah dictated them to me word by word, and I wrote down his words with ink on this scroll."

"You and Jeremiah should both hide," the officials told Baruch. "Don't tell anyone where you are!" Then the officials left the scroll for safekeeping in the room of Elishama the secretary and went to tell the king. (Jer. 36:16-20)

How arrogant they are, though:
Whenever Jehudi finished reading three or four columns, the king took his knife and cut off that section of the scroll. He then threw it into the fire, section by section, until the whole scroll was burned up. Neither the king nor his officials showed any signs of fear or repentance at what they heard. Even when Elnathan, Delaiah, and Gemariah begged the king not to burn the scroll, he wouldn't listen.

Then the king commanded his son [and two other men] to arrest Baruch and Jeremiah. But the LORD had hidden them.

God doesn't forget Baruch. Poor Barry must be terrified, in hiding with the hated-by-the-king prophet Jeremiah, in fear for his life. God has a word just for Baruch:

The prophet Jeremiah gave a message to Baruch son of Neriah in the fourth year of the reign of Jehoiakim son of Josiah, after Baruch had written down everything Jeremiah had dictated to him. He said, "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says to you, Baruch: You have said, 'I am overwhelmed with trouble! Haven't I had enough pain already? And now the LORD has added more! I am weary of my own sighing and can find no rest.' Baruch, this is what the LORD says: I will destroy this nation that I built. I will uproot what I planted. Are you seeking great things for yourself? Don't do it! But don't be discouraged. I will bring great disaster upon all these people, but I will protect you wherever you go. I, the LORD, have spoken!" (Jeremiah 45:1-5)

I love the way the LORD calls him by name, then quotes Baruch's own words back to him before He gives them this personal word. God does hear us--even though we're complaining.

And even though He doesn't owe them any explanation at all, the LORD explains how it will be--and why--with Israel:

"But do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant; do not be dismayed, Israel. For I will bring you home again from distant lands, and your children will return from their exile. Israel will return and will have peace and quiet, and nothing will make them afraid. Fear not, Jacob, my servant," says the LORD, "for I am with you. I will destroy the nations to which I have exiled you, but I will not destroy you. But I must discipline you; I cannot let you go unpunished." (Jeremiah 46:27-28)

God's justice and God's discipline coexist with God's protection.

Our finite human minds can't fathom this. We must simply believe and trust that His presence with us is enough.

How the Word Lives

2009-08-05T10:28:00.003-04:00

Hi.

It's me.

My heart is calling me to run to You.

So here I am.

Be anxious for nothing. . .
*finances
*world affairs
*church things
*C's schedule (or lack thereof)
*C's schooling (or lack thereof)

. . .but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving. . .
Thank You for:
*a home
*paid bills
*food
*gasoline
*a country that is still free
*spiritual mentors
*heart friends
*my child
*my husband
*Jesus
*grace

. . .make your requests known to God.
Lord, every one's hearts seem to be unsettled--bothered--stirred up. I don't know how to pray. What's coming?

I confess my fear--that I'm not doing right by C's schooling. That I'm not a good mommy. Our schedule stinks, Lord. Please help me understand this pattern that's happening at bedtime. Please help me not ignore her heart, but not spoil her by providing her every comfort. We're not supposed to be comfortable, are we?

HOLY ≠ COMFORTABLE

Lord, I've been anxious about money. Well, not anxious, but ashamed when it doesn't go very far. Show me the fractal that's all around me--because it sure does look/feel/sound like chaos.

Lord, please help us establish a life-giving schedule for our days. Please help me get rid of the piles in the bedroom.

Please help me care. Is this grief? Depression? Oppression?

My passions are dormant until late at night, when it's really too late to do anything with them.

Awaken my heart with compassion for others--not just the people who love me back. (I think You're doing that now. . .)

. . .and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus.

Hear my heart this night. Lord, speak to me in Your word--in my dreams--in the night watches. . .

Evil, Idols, and Ears

2009-08-04T22:56:00.003-04:00

Passages:
2 Chronicles 36:1-5; 2 Kings 23:31-24:4; and Jeremiah 22:1-23, 26:1-24, 25:1-14.

Jehoahaz. . .reigned in Jerusalem for three months (he was Jeremiah's grandson). . .He did what was evil in the LORD's sight, just as his ancestors had done. . .Pharaoh Neco put Jehoahaz in prison. . .then installed Eliakim, another of Josiah's sons, to reign. . .he changed Eliakim's name to Jehoiakim. . .he did what was evil in the LORD's sight, just as his ancestors had done. (2 Kings 23:31-37) So. . .how did Josiah fail to pass down his devotion to God to his sons?

"People from many nations will pass by the ruins of this city and say to one another, 'Why did the LORD destroy such a great city?' And the answer will be, 'Because they violated their covenant with the LORD their God by worshiping other gods." (Jeremiah 22:8-9)

These disasters happened to Judah according to the LORD's command. He had decided to remove Judah from His presence because of the many sins of Manasseh. He had filled Jerusalem with innocent blood, and the LORD would not forgive this. (2 Kings 24:3-4)

"Again and again, the LORD has sent you His prophets, but you have not listened or even tried to hear. Each time the message was this: 'Turn from the evil road you are traveling and from the evil things you are doing. Only then will I let you live in this land that the LORD gave to you and your ancestors forever. Do not make me angry by worshiping the idols you have made. Then I will not harm you.' But you would not listen to me," says the LORD. "You made me furious by worshiping your idols, bringing on yourselves all the disasters you now suffer. And now the LORD Almighty says: Because you have not listened to me, I will gather together all the armies of the north under King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon, whom I have appointed as my deputy. I will bring them all against this land and its people and against the other nations near you. I will completely destroy you and make you an object of horror and contempt and a ruin forever." (Jeremiah 25:4-9)

Oh, LORD, show me my idols. I've set my heart to worship You alone, but without Your strength, I'll turn to those old familiar idols I have made every time. . .idols of comfort, control, fear of man, performance. . .

Give me ears to hear You moving, LORD. Give me ears that hear You whispering, singing, rebuilding, restoring. Use my ears to spur my feet to action and my heart to compassion for Your concerns, Your workings in my world.

THANK YOU that You are allowing me to be the redemptive generation, the place where those generational sins get brought to the foot of the Cross and covered in the blood of Jesus. . .THANK YOU for telling me I'm thirsty, for quenching that thirst with Yourself, with Your Word. You're blessing me with a beautiful garment of praise!

It All Works Out Eventually

2009-08-03T23:04:00.001-04:00

Today's readings were varied and potentially boring. I'm trying not to skip over anything. After all, you never know when God will sneak a zinger in there.

Passages included Zephaniah 2:8-15 through 3:20 ; 2 Chronicles 35:20-27 ; 2 Kings 23:29-30, and Jeremiah 47:1-7 and 48:1-47. Quotes indicate the LORD is speaking directly.

But the LORD is still there in the city, and He does no wrong. Day by day His justice is more evident, but no one takes notice. . . (Zeph. 3:5)

"On that day, I will purify the lips of all people, so that everyone will be able to worship the LORD together." (Zeph. 3:9) What a promise!!

"Those who are left will be the lowly and the humble, for it is they who trust in the name of the LORD. The people of Israel who survive will do no wrong to each other, never telling lies or deceiving one another. They will live peaceful lives, lying down to sleep in safety; there will be no one to make them afraid." (Zeph. 3:12-13)

And my favorite passage of all time--except the verse before it says, "On that day." Just when the enemy of my soul starts to whisper, "See? You've had it wrong all these years," the Holy Spirit reminds me that He is the One Who is, Who was, and Who is to come. Time for Jesus is irrelevant. . .
On that day the announcement to Jerusalem will be, "Cheer up, Zion! Don't be afraid! For the LORD your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty savior. He will rejoice over you with great gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will exult over you by singing a happy song."

Oh, thank You, Jesus!

Joel Belz on Truth

2009-08-03T22:43:00.002-04:00

". . .life is not simply a long laundry list of unrelated and chaotic fragments, all to be reported in some sort of aloof and detached way. Life is instead a coherent God-ordained truth system. Within that system, if we tell you the truth about this week's news, the likelihood is that you'll come to trust us to tell you the truth about other things as well. . .

". . .that, you see, is the nature of truth. That is the way truth-telling works. It's coherent system that constantly--in every field of human inquiry and endeavor--keeps leading us back to a Creator God who tells us: "Do it My way, and you'll be surprised at how common themes emerge, and how the inter-connectedness of My creation and providence leap out at you."

From "Millennial Moments" in World Magazine, August 1, 2009, p. 6.

Go Ahead! Dare God to Speak. . .

2009-08-02T23:12:00.006-04:00

He's up to the challenge.

Today's reading didn't happen first thing in the morning. (Okay--some of it did.) Throughout this day, I've read the book of Habakkuk and Zephaniah 1:1 through 2:7. All the quotes below are from the New Living Translation. My thoughts and questions are in italics.

Habakkuk is set up like the second half of Job.

"For I [the LORD] am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn't believe even if someone told you about it." (Hab. 1:5b)

I will climb up into my watchtower now and wait to see what the LORD will say to me and how He will answer my complaint. (Hab. 2:1) Habbie is daring God to speak to him. . .

*Theme Alert!
The following passage resonates a theme I've heard for the past two days. In three unrelated places from three different voices, I've heard this phrase word for word: "Slow and steady wins the race." Then today in my Bible reading:
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely (seriously!), the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed." (Hab. 2:3) God has perfect timing. . .

For the time will come when all the earth will be filled, as the waters fill the sea, with an awareness of the glory of the LORD. (Hab. 2:14)

This prayer was sung by the prophet Habakkuk: Oh, LORD-- teach me to sing my prayers. . .I am filled with awe by the amazing things You have done. In this time of our deep need, begin again to help us, as You did in years gone by. Show us Your power to save us. . .remember Your mercy. (Hab. 3:1-2)

Was it in anger, LORD, that You struck the rivers and parted the sea? Were you displeased with them? No, You were sending Your chariots of salvation! (Hab. 3:8)

*Theme Alert!*
I was struck with some of the song lyrics we sang as a congregation this morning. I remember thinking, "Lord, I'm singing this because I know it's truth, not because I want You to test me on my commitment to it." Words like, "Let the walls around me crumble. Let the wind and rain come through. I can face it all as long as I have You. Let the earth beneath me tremble. Let the enemy pursue. I can face it all as long as I have You." Sounds suspiciously like a dare, doesn't it?

And other words like, "I will sing praise. I will sing praise. No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice! I will declare God is my victory and He is here." And "All of my life in every season, You are still God. I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship."

I kept myself from entertaining the thought,"I wonder what bad thing is coming." Instead, I kept it to "I wonder what's coming." Especially after I read the following scripture this evening.
"Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vine; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation. The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He will make me as surefooted as a deer and bring me safely over the mountains. (Hab. 3:17-19a)

And just like Habakkuk's prayer-song, my daily reading ended on a note of hope:
The few survivors of the tribe of Judah will pasture [in the coastal area of Canaan]. They will lie down to rest in the abandoned houses of Ashkelon. For the LORD their God will visit His people in kindness and restore their prosperity again. (Zephaniah 2:7) God always leaves a remnant. . .

Daring God to Speak?

2009-08-01T20:30:00.003-04:00

I feel compelled to take my daily Bible reading one step further this month. In an effort to be accountable to actually read God's Word every day, or maybe just a dare--daring God to actually speak to me, in my circumstances, in my narrow minuscule place in the cosmos--I'll record the scripture that jumps off the page at me.

No biblical context necessarily, but maybe sometimes.

Framed in my circumstances, maybe, but not always.

Today's reading was from 2 Kings 23:1-28 ; 2 Chronicles 34:29-35:19 ; and Nahum 1:1-3:19.

God's Word for me:
"The LORD is good. When trouble comes, He is a strong refuge. And He knows everyone who trusts in Him." Nahum 1:7 (NLT)

My Hebrew research led me to this rendering:

Jehovah is pleasant, delightful, and good to and for me. He is my harbor in the times of adversity, and He intimately understands me when I run to Him for protection. (Candi's translation)

I'm running, Jehovah, to You first.

Father, Give Me Springs

2009-07-29T23:07:00.006-04:00

I'm re-posting the following excerpt from True Worship=Your Sunday Best? as my first participation in

Today's prompt is The Word that Woos. Thank you, Ann, for the prompt. Thank you, Jennifer and Midge for the nudges.

Father, Give Me Springs

I love how God writes. Just when I think the scripture is boring because it lists all these names I can't pronounce living in all these places that have been renamed using all these measurements that aren't used anymore, He throws in a snippet--then repeats it word for word somewhere else in scripture--and piques my interest again.

Both Joshua 15:13-19 and Judges 1:12-15 tell the story of Caleb's daughter Acsah. Before we get to the story, let's talk about one of the main characters. Caleb was one of the two spies who urged the Israelites to enter the Promised Land when they first arrived there. (Joshua was the other spy who said, "Let's go!") The other ten spies were too afraid of the giants to enter the land (Numbers 13:25-33). Because they didn't believe God, they all died (Numbers 14:36-38), and Israel turned around and went back into the desert, where they wandered for 40 years. (Joshua and Caleb were the only two men of that generation of Israel who ever got to go into Canaan.) (Numbers 14:20-25)

What does God say about Caleb?

*He believed God and was ready to act on that belief (Numbers 13:30)
*He was the first man from the tribes of Israel named to help divide the land when they reached it (Numbers 34:16-29)
*At age 85, he asked Joshua for the hill country—where the giants lived—as his tribe’s inheritance (Joshua 14:6-15)
*He wholeheartedly followed the Lord, the God of Israel (Joshua 14:14)

Now, back to the story. Let's look at the text in Joshua 15. I've included it here out of the New Living Translation:

13The LORD instructed Joshua to assign some of Judah's territory to Caleb son of Jephunneh. So Caleb was given the city of Arba (that is, Hebron), which had been named after Anak's ancestor. 14Caleb drove out the three Anakites—Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai—descendants of Anak. 15Then he fought against the people living in the town of Debir (formerly called Kiriath-sepher). 16Caleb said, "I will give my daughter Acsah in marriage to the one who attacks and captures Kiriath-sepher." 17Othniel, the son of Caleb's brother Kenaz, was the one who conquered it, so Acsah became Othniel's wife. 18When Acsah married Othniel, she urged him to ask her father for an additional field. As she got down off her donkey, Caleb asked her, "What is it? What can I do for you?" 19She said, "Give me a further blessing. You have been kind enough to give me land in the Negev; please give me springs as well." So Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.

The land that was up for grabs was the southern portion of Judah, the Negev. It was arid, dry, barren land. It was the southern land down by the Red Sea. Othniel conquered the city and won the land and the girl. The girl was Caleb’s daughter Acsah.

When I imagine the exchange that took place between this father and daughter, it just warms my heart. Caleb had given Othniel the field already when he asked Acsah (the literal translation) “What for yourself?” She didn’t even have time to say, “Daddy. . .” before he asked her, “What can I do for you?” I can just see the twinkle in Caleb’s eye.

Isn’t that so like God? We have a heavenly Father who is just waiting to bless us! Yes, He knows our needs, and He is faithful to provide our every need.

Let's look at the "field" Caleb had given Acsah. What was wrong with it? It needed water. How did Acsah deal with the situation? She didn't moan or complain; she simply went to her father. First, she acknowledged how he had already blessed her; "You have been kind enough to give me the land in the Negev." Then she asked for what she needed to make the land fruitful: "please give me springs as well" (Joshua 15:19).

Acsah asked her daddy for an extra blessing: springs to make the land he'd already given her fruitful. She got more than she asked for: Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs.

Othniel got more than he signed on for, too. Judges 3:7-11 tells the rest of his story:

7The Israelites did what was evil in the LORD's sight. They forgot about the LORD their God, and they worshiped the images of Baal and the Asherah poles. 8Then the LORD burned with anger against Israel, and he handed them over to King Cushan-rishathaim of Aram-naharaim. And the Israelites were subject to Cushan-rishathaim for eight years.

9But when Israel cried out to the LORD for help, the LORD raised up a man to rescue them. His name was Othniel, the son of Caleb's younger brother, Kenaz. 10The Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he became Israel's judge. He went to war against King Cushan-rishathaim of Aram, and the LORD gave Othniel victory over him. 11So there was peace in the land for forty years. Then Othniel son of Kenaz died.

He completed the task and received the agreed-upon prize: the city, the field, and the girl. He received a blessing from God and a significant place in history.

So let me ask you (and you ask me): What do you need in your life to make your worship of God more fruitful? Do you need time? space? gumption?

Jesus said:
*Your heavenly Father knows what you need before you ask Him (Matthew 6:31-33)
*Ask anyway, and ask boldly (Matthew 7:7-8 and Luke 11:9-10)
*Anything we ask in Jesus name, He will give it to us (John 14:13-14)
*If we as parents know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more will the Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask (Luke 11:13)

Father God, You have blessed us so abundantly by giving us Jesus and His Holy Spirit to redeem us and empower us. Please give us springs as well. Show us what we need to be more fruitful in our worship of You. Please give us the courage to ask You for those springs.

God in the Details

2009-07-28T14:46:00.003-04:00

Beth Moore posted a challenge to us "Siestas" yesterday on the Living Proof blog:

He is not only a God of the big things. Perhaps what astonishes us most in each of our private journeys with Him is that He is a God of the smallest, most intimate details. A God who does things with personal significance only He and we could have known. So, let's boast in that very dimension of our God today. Give a one-paragraph story of how He went out of His way and far beyond coincidence to show You His love...OR, used you in some detailed way to demonstrate His love to someone else.

Here is my reply (okay, so it's a really long paragraph):

God has kissed my cheek in SO MANY ways during my lifetime: a hummingbird at eye level right outside the storm door as I opened it to head to church late and in a rush; a keyboard left on my front porch the day before my birthday-- the exact model and style I had secretly asked for months earlier, telling no one but God; a van for Christmas, an out-of-the-blue gift from a friend who didn't know the specifics in the prayer I'd prayed three weeks earlier but just happened to purchase a make and model that fit all the asked-for criteria. The most recent blatant kiss from God was just last week as I watched a video from "Wednesdays with Beth" on Life Today. Our church purchased the DVD sets and I've been showing them as the summer curriculum for the women's Sunday school class. Last week we watched "God's Purpose for You." I believe, Beth, you taught that session three or so years ago during your first year of doing television shows with James and Betty. Yet, here I was just last week, asking God about the specific direction He wants me to go in ministry, wondering if He's done with me in ministry, needing a blow-me away/that-was-just-for-me word from God. You used as your main text Acts 13:36: "For when David had served God's purpose in his own generation, he fell asleep; he was buried with his fathers and his body decayed." You challenged us to put our own names in that verse: you used "Sarah" and "Karen" as examples, I think. Then you said, "When Cassandra had served God's purpose in her own generation, she fell asleep; she was buried with her fathers and her body decayed." You took the next hour's teaching to encourage us that we do have purpose--specific purpose--in God's economy, purpose for our own generation, not our mothers' or our children's generations. You reminded us that fulfilling God's purpose for us is the only legacy we leave on earth after we "fall asleep." Beth, what no one at church knows, and what you didn't know three years ago when you gave those specific examples, is that my given birth name is "Cassandra." Most people know me as "Candi." But through your words speaking God's truth five states away three years ago, Jesus called my name, here, last week. I felt my Heavenly Father kiss my cheek with a big, fat, sloppy kiss. Thank you, Beth, for all that you do for Jesus. Through your ministry, He blesses and heals us in ways you will never know.
--Candi in Northern Virginia

I'm strengthening my redemptive memory. You know: recalling the ways God has come through for me, showed up in my daily existence, been attentive to me.

How about you? I'd love to hear about your God moments.

Cow Appreciation Day

2009-07-11T19:42:00.008-04:00

We did it. We dressed up like cows yesterday for ChickFilA's annual Cow Appreciation Day. We joined some friends and had a cow parade into the newest ChickFilA restaurant in our area. Our outfits earned us free combo meals.

The thing is, if my friend hadn't invited us to join her and her girls, I doubt I would have had the courage to dress up. I would have encouraged Cami to go all out (she planned her outfit all week), but I would have just paid for my meal.

But I did dress up. I received a free meal.

And I had fun.

June 30, 2009

2009-06-30T12:29:00.002-04:00

Me: Good morning, Cami!

Cami: Hey! I'm nine!

Me: Yes, you are!

Within the hour:

Cami (on her knees on the floor with tears streaming down her cheeks): I wish it was tomorrow! I don't want to be nine!

Me: Honey, you'll still be nine tomorrow.

Cami (with great angst at the unfairness of time's passing): But I don't WANT to be nine! I want to be five again!

(Why five, I'm not totally sure.)

Lunch and library time will make it all good again.

That, and the Holy Spirit comforting her heart. He is good, and He is for her.

Whewy.

My First Real Blog Post

2009-06-25T12:29:00.002-04:00

I've been going through some old blogs from the My Space days, doing some research for a book I'm writing. (Yes, folks, I'm seeing if there are any insights myself back then can lend to myself now.)

I found my first actual blog about something (as opposed to the very first blog where I say, "I'm going to try blogging. We'll see how it goes"). Even back then, I'd already started "unschooling" my daughter.

From March 17, 2006:

Today was St. Patrick's Day. Luck of the Irish and all that. I didn't wear green. Neither did Cami. We spent our St. Paddy's Day researching opossums on the Internet. We saw pictures of them, some with their babies on their backs (that's a lot of babies to carry!!)--She's almost convinced me that the opossum is indeed a "cute" animal. Almost.

See, my daughter Cami has an extensive collection of stuffed animals. And she actually plays with most of them. Among her collection are two (yes, folks, I said "two") stuffed opossums. We bought them at Cracker Barrel, one in Florida last year, one in Tennessee a few weeks ago. As I write this blog entry, she is snuggling them as she tries to go to sleep. Opossums.

Opossums are the only marsupials native to North America. (Cami was fascinated to learn that the opossum and the kangaroo are cousins, just like her and Erik & Fidg.) The mommy opossum gives birth to babies that are the size of a navy bean. It's up to the baby opossum to crawl into the mother's pouch where it can find the mother's milk source. The babies stay in the pouch (called a "marsupium") for three months, then hang onto Mamma's back for another six weeks before they're ready to run around on their own.

The babies that don't make it into the pouch die. Shocking, huh? I wonder if momma opossums miss the babies that don't make it.

Opossums can hang by their tails for short amounts of time, but contrary to popular legend, they don't sleep that way. Their tails aren't strong enough to support their body weight for that long.

I saw an opossum once. We were living with my parents in Florida. Their house has a tall privacy fence enclosing their backyard. One night, I went out on the deck to take out the trash, and there it was, crawling along the top of the fence. It stopped and stared at me with its teeth bared and its eyes glittering in the light. It wasn't cute.

I'm sure there are spiritual lessons in all these facts we learned about opossums. God reveals Himself through His creation, right? I just have to think about it longer, maybe. Open my heart to the possibilities of opossums.

But I don't think I'll ever see them as cute.

Three years brings many changes to a life, doesn't it?

Cami's cousins in Tennessee are Erik and Falcon now. (Fidg is in heaven.)

The stuffed animals in Cami's care have proliferated to the point of too many toys, too little space.

She doesn't snuggle the opossums anymore. Just the giant lion named King.

I didn't discovered spiritual lessons in the facts about opossums.

And they still aren't "cute."

But I'm still blogging. And "unschooling." And loving my life.

Reminder

2009-06-21T23:24:00.002-04:00

"Even today, it still stings to feel her loss. But I appreciate the sting because it reminds me that she is still in my heart."
---Rose commenting on this blog

This "sting" pricked my heart on this Church Day.

Our pastor mentioned Islam as being the fastest-growing religion in the United States, and immediately my heart stilled.

Pastor Marty then explained what Muslims believe about the Messiah--Al-Mahdi--and my interested was piqued.

The song following the sermon engaged my heart, and the words I'd sung many times took on new import:

Open the blind eyes; unlock the deaf ears; come to Your people as we draw near.
Hear us from heaven; touch our generation; we are Your people crying out in desperation.

More beauty from ashes.

Why Indeed

2009-06-14T19:33:00.002-04:00

Sitting in the CVS drive-through (thru?):

CVS Employee: I'm sorry, Mrs. Dickerson, but the insurance company wouldn't cover one of your prescriptions.

Me: Oh. Okay. Thank you.

After the passing of packages from the store into the car:

Cami: Why does medicine have to cost money? Why can't it be free?
If it was free, then poor people wouldn't have to worry about not having any.
Then everyone would have all the medicine that they need.

I love my daughter's heart of mercy and compassion. I want to be like her when I grow up.

Things That Make Me Say "Hmmmm...."

2009-06-11T12:12:00.005-04:00

I'm starting a new post thread here at Excavations. I'm a writer, yes, but I'm a reader also, and sometimes when I read, something makes me say, "Hmmmm." Or "Huh." ("Hmmmm. . ." is more fun to type.)

I'd like to commit to posting once every week a list of the thought-provoking things I've read. But we both know schedules aren't my strong suit.

So for now, I'll post them as they come, in no particular order. Sometimes quotes from the news, sometimes quotes from fiction, sometimes scripture verses that jump off the page at me.

Always something I've read.

Here's today's:

From a Biblical commentary at studylight.org, referencing 1 Kings 19:19-21:

"Those that would be fit to teach must have time to learn; and those that hope hereafter to rise and rule must be willing at first to stoop and serve."
--Matthew Henry, in Matthew Henry Complete Commentary on the Whole Bible.

Wisdom or a Lie?

2009-06-03T00:00:00.003-04:00

I found these thoughts scribbled in a mini journal that I purchased at Walmart years ago. I used to carry it in my purse, so there are blog ideas, grocery lists, sermon notes, and all manner of a writer's odds and ends stored between the fake moleskin covers. I think these particular musings are from 2006 or 2007. I'm not totally sure what I think about them now. . .

The Reality of Redemption

The stuff that hurts me--those people whose actions are the beginnings of my pain--

Do I allow God to heal [my heart towards] those people, to change those circumstances, to transform those relationships?

I think one of the biggest lies the enemy feeds us--and we swallow it whole--is that people who have been "toxic" for us can never be "safe." So we get stuck in our "They did this to me, and I've forgiven them, but I don't want them to hurt me like that again, so I'll just hold them at a distance, thank you very much."

We stick them in a box labeled, "That hurts. Don't go there," and we don't allow [for] the possibility that God can/wants to/will change them.

Don't we think He's that big? Isn't He able? willing?

After all, how much He has transformed me and the way I view/negotiate life.

And I don't [won't?] extend that grace and mercy to others.

Anger means I don't want to love similar abusive personalities.

[Then lines from the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch:]

Bleakley: Tricky fish! Tricky fish!

It's tricky, when you're trying to walk out of old destructive patterns and into healthy godly life-giving places, but the person you're in relationship with, the one who's hurt you so very badly, still walks in those destructive patterns. How do we stay safe, yet still love them? How do we love them when we don't trust them?

The easy answer is to break relationship with them.

I'm not sure that's Jesus' answer.

I think about the apostle Paul, who started out as Saul, the Christian killer. After Jesus called Saul out on the road to Damascus, and wrought a complete heart change in the former church ravager, Saul has much trust to earn. Jesus Himself goes to Ananias, telling him, "Go see a man from Tarsus, named Saul. . ."

Well, everyone in the early Church knew the name Saul. Acts 8 tells how Saul went from house to house, dragging out men and women--Christ followers--and throwing them in jail. That was after Saul oversaw the stoning murder of Stephen. Then Jesus speaks into Saul's life, and he becomes the great missionary to the Gentiles.

The disciples in Damascus took Saul in. Can you imagine the scene? Ananias probably went in first, saying, "Umm, guys, listen: you're not going to believe who Jesus has chosen now. . ." When Saul tried to hang out with the disciples in Jerusalem, they were all afraid of him until Barnabus vouched for him.

It was this same Saul who wrote, as Paul, how being in Christ makes us new creatures. All the old things have passed away, and now all things are new and from God, who reconciles us to Himself through Jesus, and then hands us this "ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you, on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God" (2 Corinthians 5:17-20).

This word of reconciliation which God has given us--how in the world do we speak it over those who have hurt us so very deeply? over those who continue to hurt us? over those who are a danger to our very lives?

What does that even look like?

Wealthy Me

2009-06-02T11:43:00.004-04:00

Greg Sponberg put this quote on his blog a few days back:

From A.W. Tozer:
"When religion has said its last word, there is little that we need other than God Himself.

"When the Lord divided Canaan among the tribes of Israel, Levi received no share of the land. God said to him simply, `I am thy part and thine inheritance,' and by those words made him richer than all his brethren, richer than all the kings and rajas who have ever lived in the world. And there is a spiritual principle here, a principle still valid for every priest of the Most High God."

Greg's blog includes another quoted paragraph in which Tozer expands on this spiritual principle. For the purpose of my blog here, today, I just want to note one thing:

I don't think of myself as wealthy.

And I should. Jesus is mine.

Heavenly sunshine, heavenly sunshine, flooding my soul with glory divine!
Hallelujah! I am rejoicing, singing His praises. Jesus is mine!

A Grief Overheard

2009-05-27T23:15:00.003-04:00

While I was driving Cami's playmate home today, the following conversation was precious music to my soul. Per usual circumstances, Cami did most of the talking.

Cami asked her friend who lost her dad in a free diving incident five years ago: "Where were you when your dad died?"

Her friend: "Asleep. I was taking a nap, I think."

Then Cami started whispering.

"I wasn't there when my cousin Fidg died."

Pause.

"I went to his funeral though."

Pause.

"All the funerals I've been to. . .well, you know. . .the thing. . .well, it was half-opened. But not with Fidg. That would've, you know, made it harder."

Long pause.

"You know how they say when one star dies, another one takes its place? Well, guess what? It happens just like that with babies. Fidg died, and guess what? Another cousin was born. To the same family!"

A big sigh.

Then whimsically, with fondness in her voice: "Oh, the things God does."

Oh, indeed, the things God does.

A Personal God

2009-05-21T14:51:00.005-04:00

Steven Furtick asks a question on his recent blog:

". . .how can we make sure to keep our personal relationship with Jesus Christ real and…personal?"

I'll tell you what's working for me: pouring out my whole heart to Him, and reading His word consistently.

Sounds simple, right? Try doing it for a week. The enemy of your soul will throw so many distractions at you, you'll do well to remember up from down.

For a Mother's Day present to myself, I made a commitment to try (again) having a morning "quiet time." Instead of using a daily devotional book, or a daily quiet time plan, I decided to use the New Living Translation Chronological Bible that Michael gave me for my birthday a few years ago. Only this time, I'm reading with a mechanical pencil in my hand. That's right! I'm writing in my Bible!

I'm also writing in my journal. I heard Beth Moore say a few weeks ago (on video, I think), "God wants you to pour out your heart to Him. Even the broken places. He wants the whole mess!"

So I've been trying to give it to Him--the whole mess of my heart--before I tell Betsy and Melisa about it. One part of the mess has been on my mind and in my face constantly lately. The thing is, last year, God told me specifically to be quiet and stay out of His way in this thing. Naturally, when it came up again recently, I really wanted to be able to speak my mind to the people involved.

Except I've been reading God's Word. Guess what? If you're praying about something and reading God's word simultaneously, He'll tell you what He thinks about what you're praying.

Guess what He told me last week?

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.
Don't worry about evil people who prosper, or fret about their wicked schemes.
Stop your anger! Turn from you rage! (Psalm 37:7&8)

Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent,
and they will receive a reward that lasts forever.
They will survive through hard times;
even in famine they will have more than enough. (Psalm 37:18&19)

Don't be impatient for the Lord to act!
Travel steadily along His path.
He will honor you, giving you the land. (Psalm 37:34)

All our busy rushing ends in nothing. . .my only hope is in You. (Psalm 39:6,7)

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me , and He turned to me and heard my cry. . .
He lifted me out of the pit. . .He steadied me as I walked along. . .(and all the rest of Psalm 40)

He gives me comfort and prosperity, easing my pain and discomfort when I am sick and betrayed by a good friend (Psalm 41:2,3,9)

The wilderness is quiet and can be a place of refuge (Psalm 55:7&8)

I need to give my burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of me.
He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. (Psalm 55: 22)

He is my safe refuge. . .He has given me an inheritance (Psalm 61)

[And then there are Psalm 62 and Psalm 131.]

When I was praying about the fallout from 2008 (a lot of stuff happened to us, which has resulted in a mound of grief), God spoke again through the psalmist.

You crown the year with a bountiful harvest;
even the hard pathways overflow with abundance.
The wilderness becomes a lush pasture, and the hillsides blossom with joy.
Psalm 65:11-12

Our lives are in His hands, and He keeps our feet from stumbling.

Hard stuff has happened, but He's brought us to a place of great abundance.
Psalm 66:9, 12

So. He's told me to wait on Him, to wait patiently and quietly. In case I didn't hear Him by now, He told me again today, in 1 Kings 6.

(verse 7) The stones used in the construction of the Temple were prefinished at the quarry, so the entire structure was built without the sound of hammer, ax, or any other iron tool at the building site. (= Work quietly.)

(verses 20-22) Solomon overlaid the walls and ceilings of the Temple's inner sanctuary with pure gold. He overlaid the cedar altar with gold. He overlaid the Temple's interior with gold, indeed, the entire Temple was overlaid with gold. (= The inheritance He is building in me and my family will be a thorough treasure.)

(verses 37-38) The foundation of the Lord's Temple was laid in midspring of the fourth year of Solomon's reign. The entire building was completed in every detail by midautumn of the eleventh year of his reign. So it took seven years to build the Temple. (= Complete construction with attention to detail takes time.)

Is my God personal? You bet He is. I asked Him for springs last year, and He is causing streams and rivers to gush forth (Psalm 74:15). He cares for me with a true heart, and He leads me with skillful hands (Psalm 78:72). His road leads through, not around--through the mighty waters, through the barren wilderness, through the sin-caused captivity--on a pathway no one knows is there (Psalm 77:19). I still belong to Him, even after everything. He is holding my right hand. He keeps on guiding me with His counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny (Psalm 73:23).

Wow. Thanks, Jesus!

Cami Posts a Blog

2009-05-15T11:58:00.002-04:00

Cami wants me to post this blog for her.

It's a joke.

"What time is it when five dogs chase a cat up the street?"

"Five after one!"

"(Get it?)"

There you go.

All That Glitter!

2009-05-12T16:00:00.012-04:00

Two weeks ago, my daughter was bored. Being a homeschooled child with no siblings, she sometimes struggles on rainy days.

We've been having weeks of rainy days in northern Virginia.

On this particular rainy day, we both had cabin fever and were getting in each other's space more frequently than normal. I gathered different art supplies and arranged them on the work table downstairs, thinking, "She'll have fun making a collage." My friend Betsy even gave her an art "assignment": everything green (thinking, like I was, that Cami would be cutting pictures out of magazines and gluing them on paper. That's a collage, right?)

Cami didn't make a collage.

She made a fairy glen.

She gave me a tour that day. She spread silk flowers and foam stickers all around the room. She adorned her stuffed animals with cloth roses and sparkly ribbons. She transformed our brown basement into a magical space, complete with everything fairies need in their glens.

The crowning glory of her creation? Gold glitter sprinkled everywhere.

By the next day, the glitter had migrated to the front steps. Outside. That evening, I could see the scalloped lines on the facing of each cement step where the rain had washed glitter from the welcome mat down toward the front sidewalk. It made me giggle.

I was in the basement last night, thinking I would tidy up before we hosted a playdate today. I was assailed by such a paradoxical emotional dichotomy that I gave up and went to bed.

You see, the glitter was overwhelming.

Glitter on the tables, glitter in the carpet, glitter on the bookshelves, glitter on the television.

I honestly didn't know how to feel. With a simultaneous "Awww!" ( as in "How precious! Look what she made!") and "Aaarrrggghhhh!!" (as in "#$%&*!! I'll never get rid of the glitter!!"), I was impressed with her attention to detail and furious with her meticulous thoroughness. There was a moment where I was overcome with sleepiness, my limbs seeming to weigh a thousand pounds each.

The underpinning of my emotional schizophrenic state? Grief. Grief that I can't turn a room into whatever my imagination can think up. Grief that the "real" world is going to crush Cami's whimsy. Grief that I have to help her negotiate that crushing without losing herself or sacrificing her gifts. I know this whole experience is a next step in my transformation. Jesus is redeeming the little girl inside of me and renaming the false labels I've worn for years ("too serious"; "no fun"; "party pooper").

I just didn't expect it to sparkle so much.

What about you? Have you ever experienced a moment of seemingly contradictory emotions?

I Delivered the Moon Pies!

2009-05-08T15:26:00.008-04:00

Two Sundays ago at church, an acquaintance of mine saw the bulletin announcement about our Beth Moore video class for women. My name was listed as the teacher. (I don't teach, really. I just push some DVD and projector buttons and build relationships with the women who come.) This acquaintance asked my husband, "Do you think your wife would be interested in seeing Beth Moore speak at the Pentagon?"

WOULD I??!?!?

This gentleman arranged for me and two others to hear Beth speak at a lunchtime gathering at the Pentagon on the National Day of Prayer. I have to say: I felt some anxiety about showing up by myself, not knowing who would be there or who I would sit with, unsure of what to wear (and what not to wear), blah blah blah. The appeal of a chance to hear Beth Moore speak in person, however, outweighed my cowardice at a new social situation.

When I was thinking through the opportunity that Sunday, I thought two things, in this order:

1. Wow, God, You must really have something big and important to say to me for You to arrange for Beth Moore to say it to me in person.

2. I could take her some Moon Pies!

Why Moon Pies? you ask. To fully understand the Moon Pie importance, you have to read Beth's blog post from a couple of weeks ago (here). Go ahead. Stop reading this post and go read that one. Then come back and you'll understand.

Between the initial invitation to this shindig and this past Tuesday, God calmed all my social anxiety fears. The two other ladies that were invited to the Pentagon weren't strangers to me. They were two women that I really enjoy but seldom get the opportunity to pal around with. I went shopping for new clothes and found a spiffy outfit. As The Day approached, I had one task left: purchase the Moon Pies.

It just so happened that Moon Pies were on sale at Cracker Barrel. But they were out of chocolate. I bought vanilla- and banana-flavored Moon Pies and daydreamed about presenting them to Beth. I had it all pictured in my head: where I would be sitting, how I would approach her, what I would say to her. It occurred to me that the whole experience was becoming less about hearing from Jesus and more about Moon Pies. But the more I thought about it, the more I believed that his crazy idea wasn't mine at all.

I was so excited about seeing Beth that I couldn't sleep Wednesday night. I was like a little girl on Christmas Eve, trying to be good and stay in my bed and go to sleep but knowing that my most-favorite-thing-in-all-the-world-that-I-just-had-to-have-and-couldn't-live-without is wrapped in shiny paper, sitting under the Christmas tree in the living room. Yes, I was excited about seeing and hearing Beth Moore in person. Yes, I prayed that God would give me a word specific to my current situations. However, I was just as excited about the Moon Pies waiting in the Cracker Barrel bag with handles. I prayed that God would provide the perfect opportunity to deliver those Moon Pies safely. I mean, could I even make it through Pentagon security? Have you seen a box of Moon Pies? It isn't exactly small. And I had purchased two boxes.

My acquaintance escort to the Pentagon didn't have to go through security. He works there. He held the bag and waited by the door while the nice police officers x-rayed our purses and helped us pass through the metal detectors. We made it to the auditorium and got great seats. We chatted while we waited for everything to start. I had to sit very still because the Cracker Barrel bag crinkled loudly at the slightest nudge.

But we'd made it! I was in the Pentagon with Moon Pies to give to Beth Moore!

The service began several minutes late because Beth Moore's group was caught in D.C. traffic. She and several others had a morning engagement at a different location in the city. When she came in, she seemed sober and composed. No brilliant smile. I thought, "Wow, Lord. You knew she'd be late and feel (I assumed) flustered. What a great day for a Moon Pie!"

Beth is an amazing teacher of God's Word. With just as many men as women in the room, she spoke it, y'all. She rightly divided the truth for us, made us laugh and cry in the same thirty minutes. God spoke--and not just to me. Beth spoke from 2 Timothy where the apostle Paul says,

"I have fought the good [in the Greek, literally "beautiful"] fight."
There is a good fight. There are some things worth fighting for. My child is worth fighting for. My marriage is worth fighting for. We are in a battle, and our enemy is fierce. Take courage, Candi. Stand your ground.

"I have finished the race."
When Gabriel, who has a severe form of epilepsy, ran a race in the Special Olympics, he was the last runner to cross the finish line. But he won the gold medal. When his parents asked the officials why, the answer came: "He stayed in his own lane. That's all we asked him to do." Candi, stay in your lane and run with confidence the race that's been marked out for you.

"I have kept the faith."
Our faith is the only shield we have. If we put it down, we are decimated by the evil one's fiery darts. No one and nothing is worth laying down my faith.When Gabriel tries to write his name, he can only write three letters: G-A-B. And he writes it everywhere. If there's a surface available, he writes his name his way. He gets the G just fine. He leaves the stick off the lower-cased A. And he inverts the lower-cased B. And for some unknown reason, he puts a distinct and very large period at the end of those letters. In Gabriel, God has given those parents a child they can't "fix." It seems like a tragedy--an unfairness on God's part. ("Lord, why did You do that? Why did You give me this child? I'm so tired. I can't do this. Why, God?") Don't you know it's divine planning when now, everywhere Gabriel's parents look in their home, they see "G-o-d. Period." Candi, God has appointed YOU to love and homeschool your daughter. She doesn't need fixing, and neither do you. His grace is enough. He provides everything you need for life and godliness.

Beth spoke a sentence straight from heaven to my heart:
"May we lay down our arrogance without letting go of our confidence."
It was just a transition sentence from one point to the next. But it reverberated to my core. I've let go of my confidence. I need to take hold of it--of Jesus in me--again. That's where I'll find courage to fight the beautiful fight while running my race in my lane.

I kept waiting and watching for the right opportunity to approach Beth. She was seated three rows in front of me on the opposite aisle. So very close. I knew at the close of the service, she would be surrounded by people wanting her attention.

I still had the Moon Pies. In the bag.

The Deputy Pentagon Chaplain finished up the benediction, "In the name of" Jesus, I assume, because I didn't really hear the end. I heard those first four words and I stepped out into the aisle. I was the first person standing beside Beth when the chaplain said "Amen" and everyone opened their eyes. The Chief of Chaplains of the Army presented Beth with a commemorative coin--it looked really special--and she graciously accepted it and said something like, "I want you to know these gifts will be displayed because they are treasured and important." Her humility was palpable.

Then she turned to me and I said, "I brought gifts, too. They're Moon Pies."

Beth's eyes lit up.

I said, "They didn't have chocolate, but I brought vanilla and banana."

She said, "Vanilla? We can't get vanilla." Then she hollered over her shoulder at Keith, her husband, "Baby, she brought us Moon Pies!"

I wish you could have seen Keith's face. "You brought us Moon Pies?" Like I'd just brought them a most precious gift. "Can I hug your neck?" And he did.

Y'all, I promise you: I already believed that my God is a personal God. I've wrestled with His providence. I've banked on His provision. I've struggled with His sovereignty. But yesterday, I was privileged to be a messenger of God's playfulness, dare I say whimsy. If you know me, you know that I don't really know how to just play for fun's sake. Which is extremely inconvenient living with the husband and child that I have. They're all about the party and the fun. I tend to view myself as the party pooper and the fun police.

Not anymore. I heard, I believed, I obeyed, and I delivered the Moon Pies.

And I was the one who was blessed.

Little Green Leaves

2009-04-21T23:26:00.003-04:00

I'm tracing my family tree using Ancestry.com and Family Tree Maker software. I guess you could call it my hobby. I love seeing how some of my family lines intersect at surprising places, and how my past generations fit into history's timeline.

My favorite Ancestry.com feature by far is the little green leaves, otherwise known as Ancestry hints. Ancestry.com takes the information you've entered into your family tree and compares it with all the other bits of information eveyone else in the world has entered about other people and other family trees. The results are little green leaves that you can click on to see the connections the search engine has made.

Mind you, you can't just attach the hint. You have to view the information with a discerning eye, checking the birth and death dates and verifying the locations, making sure the information is really about your family.

True, many of the hints I've attached to my family have been educated guesses.

But it sure is nice to see those little green leaves pop up. At least it's a place to start.

Happy Resurrection Day!

2009-04-12T06:00:00.000-04:00

An April Fool Terminator?

2009-03-30T13:03:00.003-04:00

Have you heard about this new Internet threat? Maybe I watch too much sci fi TV. If this article is true, the situation disturbs me:

Bad guys with a botnet that doesn't need a human to give it instructions in order to invade infected PCs and wreak havoc and destruction.

Didn't I just watch this episode on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles?

So many reasons now to save up for a Mac.

Where's the Balance. . .

2009-03-26T13:22:00.003-04:00

between having healthy personal boundaries (Proverbs 4:23)
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (NIV)
"Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life." (Holman Christian Standard)
"Watch [Hebrew: Natsar: verb: to guard, watch, watch over, keep; to watch, guard, keep; to preserve, guard from dangers; to keep, observe, guard with fidelity; to guard, keep secret; to be kept close, be blockaded; watchman (participle)] over your heart [Hebrew: Leb: noun masculine: inner man, mind, will, heart, understanding; inner part, midst; midst (of things); heart (of man); soul, heart (of man); mind, knowledge, thinking, reflection, memory; inclination, resolution, determination (of will); conscience; heart (of moral character); as seat of appetites; as seat of emotions and passions; as seat of courage] with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life." (NASV)

and Matthew 5:38-42?
"You have heard that it was said, `AN EYE FOR AN EYE, AND A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH.' But I say to you, do not resist [Greek: Anthistemi: verb: to set one's self against, to withstand, resist, oppose; to set against] an evil [Greek: Poneros: adjective: full of labours, annoyances, hardships; pressed and harassed by labours; bringing toils, annoyances, perils; of a time full of peril to Christian faith and steadfastness; causing pain and trouble; bad, of a bad nature or condition; in a physical sense: diseased or blind; in an ethical sense: evil wicked, bad] person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you."

Is the answer in 2 Corinthians 9:6-15?
"Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully [literally "with blessings"] will also reap bountifully [literally "with blessings"]. Each one must do just as he has purposed [Greek: Proaireomai: verb: to bring forward, bring forth from one's stores; to bring forth for one's self, to choose for one's self before another, to prefer; to purpose] in his heart, not grudgingly [Greek: lupe: noun feminine: sorrow, pain, grief, annoyance, affliction of persons mourning] or under compulsion [Greek: Anagke: noun feminine: necessity, imposed either by the circumstances, or by law of duty regarding to one's advantage, custom, argument; calamity, distress, straits], for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed; as it is written, 'HE SCATTERED ABROAD, HE GAVE TO THE POOR, HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS ENDURES FOREVER.' [Check the cross referenced Psalm 112 for the context of those pronouns. "He" = the man who fears the Lord.]

Now He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness; you will be enriched in everything for all liberality, which through us is producing thanksgiving to God. For the ministry of this service is not only fully supplying the needs of the saints, but is also overflowing through many thanksgivings to God. Because of the proof given by this ministry, they will glorify God for your obedience to your confession of the gospel of Christ and for the liberality of your contribution to them and to all, while they also, by prayer on your behalf, yearn for you because of the surpassing grace of God in you. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!"

And how exactly do I walk this out?

Cami's Profundity

2009-03-25T23:44:00.002-04:00

I was working in the front garden on this day, filling in squirrel holes and looking for new growth.

I was placing two shepherd's hooks that will eventually hold wind chimes or garden baubles--something whimsical and fun.

Cami came scootering up the sidewalk, pink helmet and all.

Me: Cami, where should the wind chimes go: on each side of the steps, or should I put some in my garden?

Cami: Mom, you know, it isn't what's in the garden that's important, but the heart of the gardener.

Me: (speechless moment)

Me: Where did you hear that?

Cami: I just know it.

Me: Well, that's one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. Thank you for saying it about me. That really touches my heart.

And she scootered away.

How blessed I am.

Roscoe the Family Dog

2009-03-15T10:00:00.003-04:00

Thank You, Jesus, for Roscoe.

We are so blessed.

A Girl and Her Dog

2009-03-14T10:00:00.001-04:00

We are so enjoying our Roscoe dog. Although Cami is still grieving for Buddy (he was always there, since she was born), she and Roscoe are forming a close bond. He truly is her dog.

Signs of Spring

2009-03-14T08:00:00.004-04:00

It's been a long, gray winter.

So much grief. So much excavation, sorting through patterns, sifting for truth.

But spring is coming. The subterranean level of my heart is shifting, and I am finding a firmer place to stand. On snowy days, butterflies emerge. On private blogs, freedom blooms.

How like God to give me hope everywhere I look:

in the forms I expect, like these first blooms on the trees at the end of our street;

in places I thought were unfruitful, like this lilac bush in the front yard;

in ways I didn't expect but delight me so, like this first ladybug on the first weeds in my garden;

and in rocky, barren spots where nothing else is growing, like this dirt pile in our backyard.

Such brilliant colors, such sweet breezes, so much life.

Spring is coming.

The Hole in the Backyard

2009-03-13T23:30:00.003-04:00

Our friend Jon is working on our backyard. His goal: to turn Swamp Dickerson into a functional family-friendly backyard, useful for cookouts, bird watching, gardening, and playing.

Step 1: Dig a hole.

Step 2: Dig some more.

Step 3: Get help digging the hole. Dig a trench so the hole won't feel isolated.

Step 4: Use the trench to step down into the hole because there won't be another chance after the hole is filled in.

Step 5: Pose for the camera while in the hole.

What a great way to spend Friday the 13th!

March Is Free

2009-03-11T11:01:00.009-04:00

Yes, on Friday, March 6, 2009, we set the butterfly named March free. I videoed and photographed the process:

Here we go!

Everyone should hold a butterfly once in their lives.

Cami said March came back to visit.
She saw him on Sunday, March 8, when she was playing outside.
How like God to give my daughter closure. Goodbye, March! Goodbye!

A Certified Specimen

2009-03-06T08:00:00.001-05:00

I called the Butterfly Pavilion at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History yesterday. I thought the facility would make a great home for March the butterfly. The flowers are always blooming, the atmosphere is constantly humid, and the butterfly life cycle is ongoing. March could flit and flutter alongside members of over 300 species of butterflies from all over the world. It can't get any better than that if you're a butterfly.

Here at the Virginia Dickerson townhome, all a butterfly gets is smushed-up fruit mashed in sugar water and a mesh cage to hang out in. There's fluttering room, sure, but no space to flit or fly. And definitely no blooming flowers.

I'm sure March is bored. After all, his purpose in this season of his life is to eat nectar, find a lady black swallowtail, mate, and fly. He can't do any of those things in the mesh butterfly house hanging in our kitchen window. I'm not even sure he's getting the correct food. I'm just guessing at what might be butterfly-palatable.

So I called the Smithsonian Butterfly Pavilion. I thought, "What a great homeschooling experience! We watched the caterpillar, cared for the chrysalis, and now we can release the butterfly--even though it emerged early." Cami asked who I was calling, and when I told her, her eyes lit up. She said, "So maybe we could go visit March?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that butterflies don't live very long, especially when they emerge before the last frost.

After I explained March's situation, a very nice young man at the Smithsonian put me on hold. He talked to one of the museum curators and came back with this answer: "We are unable to accept any butterfly specimen that hasn't been certified by the [butterfly-certifying agency name here]." I didn't hear the agency's name. My brain got snagged by the idea of a butterfly being certified.

I said, "Can you suggest somewhere else that might take this butterfly?"

He said, "Unfortunately, because your butterfly isn't a certified specimen, we, and any other Smithsonian facility, won't be able to accept it."

I'll let you ruminate on the spiritual metaphors present in this situation in the many comments you make about this post. In the meantime, the curator's advice was to simply release March.

It may seem silly to y'all, but I've been praying about this little butterfly all week. It's been too cold for people to be outside, much less butterflies. Here are the temperatures from the past five days:

March 1 Sunday 40° F 33° F
March 2 Monday 34° F 21° F (Don't forget the 6.5 inches of snow that fell!)
March 3 Tuesday 33° F 16° F
March 4 Wednesday 41° F 18° F
March 5 Thursday 52° F 25° F

March's situation indeed has rich spiritual metaphors , enough to distract me from the "main thing" God's been singing over me lately: "Just trust Me."

Watch what God's doing for March the butterfly and Candi the getting-better-at-it believer: the forecast temperatures for the next five days:

March 6 Friday 61° F 45° F
March 7 Saturday 72° F 49° F
March 8 Sunday 74° F 47° F (He saved the best weather for Church Day!)
March 9 Monday 63° F 40° F
March 10 Tuesday 54° F 38° F

Looks like perfect conditions to flit and fly.

Six Months Later

2009-03-05T08:00:00.001-05:00

I found this conversation in my blog drafts folder. I think it's from last fall, when we were trying to navigate the crushing weight of grief that sat on our home.

On that night, as I tucked her into bed, Cami's ponderings broke my heart and made me cry.

On this day, six months later, her hope of heaven comforts me and makes me smile.

Cami: I’m sad that Cotton Candy (her pink Webkin pony) won’t ever get to meet Fidg. It’s too late because we’ll never see him again. (See this post.)

Me: No, not here on earth.

Cami: Yeah, now Fidg lives in a new place, in a new house—in Jesus’ house.

Cami: Do you think he’s met my brothers and sisters in heaven? (See this post.)

Me: I’m sure he has. Just think: now they have a cousin to play with in heaven just like you have a cousin to play with here on earth.

Cami: Yeah--and they all get to play with the angel collies.

Me: Angel collies?

Cami: Yes--all my brothers and sisters get to play with the angel collies.

The angel collies are the guardian angel dogs that Cami pictures in her mind when she thinks about Buddy dying. The angel collies accompanied him to heaven so he wouldn't be nervous or scared.

Jesus, I heard You had a big house. I'm glad to think You probably have a big yard, too, for all those children and dogs to play together.