Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Marked by Love

(Y'all pray for me. I'm supposed to be blogging on a regular basis. I haven't been. It seems too scary. But I need to do it. . .so here goes. . .)

I read Bring the Rain regularly. The story is tragic; the aftermath is amazing; the writing is engaging.

Today, Angie's blog led me to Lisa's blog and her giveaway.

I read the comments. So many lost children. Well, not lost, exactly. Just not here. So much grief with chunks of joy scrunched in. Only Jesus can do that.

I thought about my lost not-here children. Only a few trusted hearts know the whole story. Others who know the bare bones think I've had multiple miscarriages. It's just easier to let them think that.

Maybe I'll be brave enough soon to tell the whole story. Maybe my husband will say it's okay to tell the whole story. (It's his story, too.)

For now, the comments on Lisa's blog have me thinking. Not feeling, exactly, and that's what has me thinking.
Together, Michael and I made six embryos.
Only one embryo implanted in my womb and became Cami.
I believe embryos = babies.
If embryos = babies, and I've lost five of them to heaven, shouldn't I feel sad?  
I have a working theory about that: Jesus put so much life and joy into the embryo that became Cami, how can I feel sad when I have her?

Still, I wonder if I've just shut parts of my heart away from my emotions because it hurts too much to feel it.

Wow. I haven't blogged in two months, and I come back with this cryptic stuff.

(I just called Michael at work. He said I could tell the whole story. . .)

Go see Lisa's jewelry. It's beautiful. Leave a comment and maybe win Audrey's necklace.

Check here tomorrow. Walk with me as I record how I've been marked by love.

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