I've walked with Jesus a long time. Many of these years, I've seen Him in front of me. I've known Him present with me, holding my hand, showing me where to step. Many of these years, my faith has made sense to me.
In recent days, I have come to the end of my understanding.
Trying to bring everything I know of me to everything I know of God looked like this today:
I woke up mid-nightmare about a child I'm responsible for being kidnapped at a church conference center.
I thought I heard Buddy breathing on the floor. Then I remembered.
I finished lunch at the edge of a panic attack, only not fully engaged. Like a charlie horse threatening to flare in my calf.
Every nerve ending scraped on the surface of my skin. Bristly. Raw. Anxious, but on the outside, not in my heart.
I tried to talk through my angst with Melisa. I only realized more fully the depth of my anger and disappointment with God's sovereignty and timing.
I mowed the front lawn by hand. Sweat ran into my eyes faster than I could wipe it away. (Yes, we have a mower---ask me sometime about the azalea bush I destroyed last year.)
I washed Buddy's nose prints off the inside of the storm door.
During dinner at TGIFriday's with Michael and Cami, the manager very politely explained why he wouldn't turn the music down, even though we couldn't hear our waiter. (They try to achieve a "rockin' family atmosphere," whatever that means.)
At twilight, we stood in the Rolling Valley commuter parking lot and watched lightning fill up the insides of the cumulus clouds.
I cried out to God in the van after the Safeway run, "God, I miss my dog! I miss my dog."
As I try to close this day as tomorrow has already begun, I find this video. I wasn't looking for anything in particular---just trying to avoid going to sleep.
This song--and the Steven Curtis Chapman video I posted--these are the songs of deliverance that God has given me. These are the fabric of the garment of praise He is giving me to wear in this season.
Please pray for me, that I'll worship Him in spirit and in truth as I learn to live loved.