*WARNING: This post is raw and unedited. (As opposed to just unedited.)
Melisa said it today: shift.
Cami's new word: ugh.
Those two words encapsulate everything I'm thinking and feeling. It looks like this:
Yes, God is sovereign. And I don't understand ANYTHING He's appointing---or allowing---right now. That means I can't predict situations, nor my reactions to them. I can't protect my husband, my daughter, my parents, my pets. I want to clean everything, sort everything, CONTROL SOMETHING. Yet all I can manage to do is to crawl into my bed with many pillows and cotton sheets and try to pray. My prayers morph into unfocused babbling, and I end up dozing. (With sleep apnea, dozing makes for some pretty interesting "dreams," let me tell you.)
Yes, God is good. But obviously, He isn't safe. (Or maybe I need to adjust my working definition of "safe"?)
Yes, God is for me. For US. Thus, the Cross. Yet---in what economy does Fidg's death make any sense? Not only that he's dead so young, but that he died the way he did. Michael prayed at the graveside service: "Thank You, God, that Fidg died on a perfect day. Thank You, God, that Fidg died doing what he loved to do most in the world."
I would've prayed, "God, what the hell are You thinking?"
He's shifting my paradigm. You know the one: if you work hard, you'll succeed; if you love your kids, they'll be happy and healthy; if you walk with honesty and integrity, everything will go well for you. If I write something down, it will make sense. If I name it--explain it, FIX it--I can control it. If I love God, I will be protected from harm.
New paradigm: there are no guarantees except that Jesus is with us always. No promises for happiness, or health, or protection from harm. Just "Do not be afraid, for I am with you always."
Why isn't that enough for me?
Cami asked me yesterday, "Why does everything have to die?"
Jesus, I bring to the Cross my fear of the future, my frustration with Your Ways and Your Timing.
I bring to the Cross my grief over the condition of this earthly life.
I lay down my expectations of how life is supposed to look, feel, be.
I put to death the generational expectations of negativity and darkness. (Whew. That's heavy.)
I choose to stand here:
You are the same yesterday, today, forever.
You have plans for us, to prosper us and not to harm us, plans for a future and a hope.
You have sealed us (Michael, Candi, Cami) with Your Holy Spirit, Who resides in us.
The Fullness of Life is within us.
You order our days and plan our steps aright.
The boundary lines for us are falling in pleasant places.
Our inheritance is incorruptible and magnificent.
We are Your Glory.